Hockey Trip, Pregame

"Dude, the puck...it's in your cup!"

I looked down...and I'll be goddamned, the puck IS in my cup. There's not a drop of fucking beer left in it - the beer that previously inhabited this cup is now all over Jeff and the woman behind me...and I don't have a drop on me, somehow - but there's a puck there now. And Matt Cooke fucking owes me 8.50.

Boys and girls, moments like the above paragraph are what traveling is all about. Some trips are all about sightseeing, some are about relaxation. This one included very little of either...yes folks, this trip was all about the fine sport of hockey. More specifically, about the Vancouver Canucks. And beer. Lots, and lots...and LOTS of beer.

In late October, your chubby but lovable storyteller was dealing with one of his many bouts of wanderlust. I know some of you are probably wondering what the fuck that is, and if I have to take medication for it. So, for the uninitiated -

wan·der·lust - a strong, innate desire to roam or travel about.

Now that we've cleared that up, we can carry on. As usual, I was playing on the internet, trying to figure out a good trip idea. I was talkin about hockey with Kam, and SHAZAAM! the candle gets lit in my head (I'm too cool for a light bulb). Why not follow the Canucks for a few games? A few clicks and a quick perusal of their schedule showed a 3 game road trip in January...St Louis, Columbus, and Detroit. That was obviously out...who the fuck wants to go to Detroit? I wasn't in the mood for a murder death kill, thank you very much. And Columbus? Do people even watch hockey there? I read the day before that St Louis was the most dangerous city in the USA in 2006 (Detroit was 3rd). Not sure how much they like pot-bellied (yet oddly charming) white people there.

As you can guess by the obvious foreshadowing, this is exactly where I went. And I brought friends!

I planned out a rough outline and told a few people about it over the next couple of days. If people can actually have a WTF look on their face...every single one of these folks had that look. At least they had encouraging things to say! Or not.

"We all know you're retarded Tim...but St Louis and Detroit? Seriously? I thought you enjoyed living. Hey, look at the bright side! You can stay in an abandoned building on 8 Mile for free! That's more beer money for you! Goooo Motown!"

I have caring friends, by the way.

Anyways, I told Rob (will be referred to as Milo from now on, cuz it's his last name and it sounds funny) about the trip, and his reaction was the exact opposite. It was more along the lines of "Dude, I'm so coming with you. And I'm gonna get other people to come too". Yea, okay champ. You're gonna find unarmed "volunteers" to come with us to these god awful cities...and you wanna come along too? Ahh Milo, always the comedian.

Three days pass...and I now have 3 recruits for the trip. I dunno how Milo did it...money was exchanged, gentlemen were fellated, whatever...but now Jeff and Paul wanna come too. And they're just as hyped as Milo and I are about this trip. I'm speechless. After talkin to them and confirming their sanity, it was GO TIME! Cheap flights were booked, semi-nice hotels were reserved, and pretty good hockey tickets were acquired. 2 and a half exhausting months later, Timmy really needed an entertaining vacation...and he sure as shit got one!



SEATTLE

Our flight was at 7:20AM to St Louis, so we decided to stay a night in an airport hotel in Seatac. We arrived at 9PM, and checked into our suitably ghetto hotel, after the purchase of an 18 pack of beer. By 9:20, the case was empty. This is not bravado...I speak the truth people. We just had to go find a bar now...but we made sure we wouldn't stay too late...come on now, we had an early flight. Drinking till 2AM would be horribly irresponsible. Uh, okay.

We stumbled up to the Bull Pen. Sure, this'll do. Go inside...good god, it's a karaoke bar. Joyous. We line up to get beer...Paul grabs a pint, and goes to get a table. Jeff and I decide to split a jug, we go to find...Paul already sitting with a cougar, chattin her up. It took like 23 seconds for him to pick up....I was mightily impressed. Jeff and I didn't wanna cockblock, so we grabbed another table with Milo, and listened to some fucking TERRIBLE karaoke. This bar had quite the cast of characters...think the cast of Cheers mingling in the Star Wars bar. Paul's new friend was the hottest chick in the bar, no contest, and probably the best singer there too.

Milo, being the friendly guy that he is, met some people while out for a smoke and brought them by the table. The chick was your generic goth land beast...cuz ya know, there's a generic version of them. Probably the ugliest girl in the bar, and believe me, that was quite a feat. Her boyfriend on the other hand, looked like his daddy was a computer and his mommy was a book about computers. Complete nerdbomber. They were just about the oddest couple I've ever seen. And of course, they had to tell us all about their "super intense" 2 month relationship. And people wonder why I make fun of americans.

After a few hours of pretty good beer and bleeding ears, it was 2AM. What a surprise. Paul's woman disappeared, so we did too. I staggered across the street for more beer, and met the guys back at the hotel. Where Milo realized he had lost his jacket.

Please let me repeat this for emphasis. We are about to leave for 3 cities in the midwest...in the middle of winter. It's fucking cold there. And Milo lost his jacket. Before we have even left for the first destination.

Travel bloopers, take one!

Stay tuned for part 2...all about the STL yo!