The best Dubya description I've ever heard:
Can you take away every single day?
That we have given to another false prophet
Can you give us all a reason not to fall?
Before you take away another broken promise
Show your pretty face, hide the bitter taste
Youre still the rapist of an entire nation
You wanna be the man, you gotta be a man
But you were nothing but a sad insinuation
How can we ever live this down?
Keep your fingers crossed, the truth is at a loss
Big decision for an ordinary coward
The only problem is your fucking rhetoric
Were more in danger then before you took power
Now its just a game, god you'll never change
Youd sell us out if you could only find a buyer
You dont give a shit, as long as idiots
Are in your corner you could set us all on fire
How can we ever live this down?
You never want to be
They only wanted a parody
You want the world to be free
What the hell is free about it?
Now we reached the end, just get it over with
But this is building to an adamant conclusion
Come what ever may, theres gonna be a day
When we have figured out a possible solution
Every thing you've done, is killing everyone
A little smile on a homicidal bastard
You wanna be a man, you gotta have a plan
Another failure is a guaranteed disaster
How can we ever live this down?
You never want to be
They only wanted a parody
You want the world to be free?
What the fuck is free about it?
What the fuck is free about it?
Corey Taylor. Genius.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
Random Redneck Vacation, V2.0
Okay, I'm back for more. If you have no idea what I'm talking about....read the blog before this, entitled "Random Redneck Vacation, V 1.0".
Where did I leave off? At the bar, with the montananian....montanaites....montanaish....the fucking women from Montana. They were super nice...in other words, they weren't hot. Don't get me wrong, one was cute (she was from Bozeman, MT)...but they were both very...artsy. Indie. The kind of people that make their own clothes, and both are "totally into spirituality". Normally, these are people that I mock, and go out of my way to try to embarrass. But whatever, they were buying my drinks...it's like bribing a dog with treats...doesn't matter who's givin em to me, I just want more. Bartender gave me a free "birthday beer" too, even though my birthday was the day before. I love Montana.
We left the bar, they showed me a few other places in town I hadn't seen, then went to chill down by the river. They met up with another girl there....she was....well, huge. Not really "all you can eat fried chicken" huge....but she definitely...huge. She ironed her clothes in the driveway. That kinda huge. Anyways, they told lunchbox that I was from Canada, and she went off:
"Ohhh my god. My sister lives in Bellingham...she's always tellin me to move up there and meet a canadian guy and get married, cuz Canadians are so nice, and Canada's soooo pretty". And raises her eyebrows at me. Umm....ewww. Why do the fattys always like me?
38 million responses run through my head. "Lard is a prescription drug in Canada...you'd hate it there". Or..."You actually might like Canada. It has a huge asian population. Other than China, it's the only country in the world with more chins than you have". Or my personal favourite: "Have you ever been to Coeur D'Alene? They have all you can eat fried chicken on wednesdays! If you left now, you'll be first in line. Don't forget your wheelbarrow."
I stuck with something much less offensive...or so I thought. I said "good luck with that", and walked in the other direction. Apparently, her 2 friends thought it was hilarious, and totally started baggin on her..."Ouch! You just got shot down hard!", one said. I was gonna throw a harpoon joke in there...but I kept quiet. Anyways, fatty was offended by what I said, so she took off. The other 2 girls thought I was comic gold. So we went back to the bar.
I know what you're thinking....did Tim actually get laid? Sadly, no. One of the chicks had a book club meeting @ 6pm, and had to jet. She was completely shitfaced when she left...I kinda wanted to see that meeting, just to see how her nerdy friends reacted to her drunkenness. But hey, for all I know, book club meetings are drunken nerd orgies. That's something I DIDN'T need to see. Anyways, the other girl (who was the cute one) then decided to tell me bout her BOYFRIEND. Great timing, nerdbomber. I took about 3 minutes to get the hell outta there.
Before I left though, I got to see something absolutely hilarious. I went to the bathroom. There was no men and women signs. Instead, the guys bathroom had a huge sign on it that said "Rock out with your "insert rooster picture" out. Get it? Cock. It actually had a pic of a rooster. On the girls, it said "Rock out with your "insert clam picture" out. An actual clam picture. It was awesome. I love Montana.
So I left after that. Got back to motel...went to gas station, bought more beer. Went to the Mickey D's (across the street....I could actually watch the drive-thru through my motel room window)...came back..and passed out. Woke up at 8PM. Didn't feel like going out. So I drank my 6 pack, watched a "Whose Line is it Anyway" marathon (my alltime favourite show), laughed so hard I farted like 3 times, and passed out at 4AM. Yeah, I farted. Don't hate. By the way, when you're hungry @ like 2:30AM, and everything's closed....nothing is worse than looking up and seeing a Mickey D's drive-thru across the street. Cuz the main restaurant was closed, and I ain't got no car. It was fucking torcher. Assholes. Maybe ditching fatty back at the river was a bad idea. I'm sure she had a VIP card or something. Oh well.
So yeah, I went to bed at 4AM. And woke up at 6AM. To catch the bus home. I decided that it was waaay too inconvenient to go see Morgan. She had her own stuff goin on, and I would have only been able to stay for a day or 2. So I....went home. Get to the bus station (46 feet away), and find out they got a seat for me. Cool. But the bus is 2 hours late. Not cool. I was bout to go back to the motel to sleep for a bit longer, but then I realized...I left the key in my room. I checked out. FUCK. So I hung out at the bus station....wow, fun. Watched some guy freak out cuz the bus was full. He was gonna "sue greyhound", and he didn't care who was in his way, he was getting on that bus, etc. The cop that showed up convinced him otherwise.
So bus shows up...I get on...sitting 2nd row from the front, opposite side from the driver. Dude sits next to me. Not 20 seconds after we sit down....the chick sitting directly behind the driver...she pukes all over the floor in front of her. Twice. Instead of GETTING OFF THE BUS, since we were at a STATION, she pukes on the floor. Guy next to me looks at me and says "Well, aint that an endorsement for every airline in the world. Making a commercial out of the last 20 seconds we just witnessed....everyone in the world would fly instead of taking greyhound".
That was fucking funny.
The guy was from Philly, and was sent to Missoula on a business trip. His company was super cheap, so they flew him into Spokane and made him take the bus to Missoula, and vice versa. We got to talkin bout sports n stuff, he was pretty cool. He actually reminded me of Jeanettes (EX) boyfriend Nick. EX! I'm goin to Vegas! Nick's movin back! That's a whole other story.
Anyways, talked to him till we got to...St Regis. The place where I got kicked outta the gift shop for laughing at their love of trout. Since I wasn't allowed in the gift shop, the bar was off limits, and the restaurant was full, me n Josh (Philly guy) had nothing to do. I went into the store to grab a red bull, and the women behind the counter announces how "f'n tall" I am. And says wow. And asks the other cashier if she's seen someone as tall as me lately. She says no. Wow, that was stimulating. Thanks for pointing out that I'm different from everyone else in there. I was gonna ask her when she didn't comment on the "black guy", or the "guy sniffing the Maxim magazine"...they're different too, ya know. Let's just say, I officially hate St Regis, MT.
Philly boy found redemption though...or so I thought. He spots a...casino! I was STOKED. I was amazed a town that small had a casino, but I had an hour to kill, so we went and checked it out. I have two words for it:
Fucking. Pathetic.
We walked in, and it was 4 video poker machines, and 3 slot machines. That was IT. I think the neon "casino" sign outside was worth more than these machines. They were older than Opal. That's called foreshadowing, people. You'll meet Opal soon.
Obviously, there was no one else in there. But we had time to kill, so we sat down. I lost 15 bucks playing video poker. Fucking Philly guy won 80 bucks on a slot. I knew his name was Josh....but I called him Philly guy. I'm not sure why. Anyways, get this. Worst part of it all? I was diggin through my pockets for change, cuz I'm a video poker addict, and I found...my motel room key. Apparently I didn't leave it in the room....I coulda gone back and slept for another 2 hours, back in Missoula. Dammit. Oh well, now I have a memento of the Brownies Plus Motel. Gnarly. Room 35 is all mine, bitches.
Go to get back on the bus...and some senior citizen couple are in our seats. We were gonna say something, but the guy next to us told us we didn't put anything on our seats, so they weren't "reserved", and were fair game to new passengers. WTF? I didn't realize there was an unwritten code of bus travelling. But apparently, there is. So we go looking for seats. Only ones available were both aisle seats, across from each other, at the back....
Right in front of the bathroom.
That motherfucker smelled like a....well, a bathroom on a bus. I was trying to come up with something more creative, but "bus bathroom" covers it pretty good. It hadn't been cleaned or emptied since the day before. It was due for a cleaning/emptying in Spokane...3 hours away. Me n Philly guy nearly died. We both agreed that it was the only time in our lives that we would volunteer to sit next to a chick who just puked all over herself...cuz it would actually smell better than the can.
Somehow, we survived the trip. I was sittin next to a black dude...I said hi to him, and he looked at me like I had cerebral palsy or something. Not too friendly. But once me n Philly guy got talking bout football, he was all over it. He was from Detroit, and a huge Lions fan. So we all bullshitted bout sports for the 3 hours till Spokane. It went by quick. They both departed there.
When I got back on in Spokane, I claimed a seat up front. I thought I would be by myself, but the last boarding passenger claimed the window seat next to me. At first I thought "oh great, some old broad"...but she turned out to be one of the highlights of my trip.
She was 79 years old, her name was Opal. She lived in Spokane, and was going to Seattle to visit her son, who was a greyhound driver, ironically. At first, she was just a boring old woman...told me all bout her family, etc. Then I told her bout my love of travelling, and she said she loved travelling too, and had been to a lot of places. She told me all bout her Europe travels, and....and then told me bout her first whorehouse experience.
As soon as she said "whorehouse", I nearly fell over laughing. Not something you expect from a 79 year old lady. Turns out she was in San Antonio bout 10 years ago, and her daughter took her to Mexico overnight. Nuevo Laredo. As a joke, she took Opal to a whorehouse. Of course, Opal had no idea what this place was all about. When she finally figured it out, she started quizzing all the women in the place why they would do that to themselves. Problem was, none of them spoke english...so they were all very confused why an old lady was talking to them. One of them guessed she was just an old lesbian, so she kept saying "trescientos pesos, love you". Then she tried to lead Opal to "her room, for azotiana".
In other words...300 pesos for a spanking.
Imagine hearing that from a 79 year old lady. I wasn't the only one laughing....everyone around me was just as amused as I was.
I didn't think she could top that, but she most definitely did.
I was telling her that I would probably miss my bus to Vancouver (since the bus I was on was running 2 hours late), and I would have to wait in Seattle for 5 hours, and catch the 12:30AM bus to Vancouver. Unfortunately, the 12:30 bus doesn't stop in Coquitlam, so I'd have to go all the way downtown, get there at 3:30AM, and wait till the skytrain started running to get home.
She had a brilliant solution. One that she had ACTUALLY USED.
Her son was a driver, so she knew the procedures. Apparently, the bus goes RIGHT BY her house in Spokane. But it's not allowed to stop anywhere but the station, which was a 20 dollar cab ride from her house. Not even for an old lady, just tryin to get home. She also knew that anyone who is caught smoking or drinking on the bus had to be ejected immediately.
So Opal...this 79 year old sweet lady...last year, on her way home from Seattle...got close to her house...walked to the front of the bus....and lit up a cigarette. AND busted a beer outta her purse, and opened it. The driver was obviously a lil shocked, and decided she was an old lady, so he wouldn't kick her off. She started demanding that he stop....cuz if he didn't follow the rules, she would report him. So he stopped, and kicked her offa the bus....right in front of her house.
She suggested that if I didn't wanna go all the way downtown, I should sneak a beer onto the bus, and crack it open near my freeway exit. He'd boot me off, I'd get a cab, and be home in no time.
This woman is my new messiah.
Turns out I didn't need to do that, cuz the bus driver was able to radio ahead and have them hold the 6:20PM bus to Vancouver, till I got there. We got there at 7:20.
I went to get on, and the driver told me I had to go inside and get a ticket. So....I went inside. There was a lineup, like 4 deep. A guy, and 3 latino women, babbling in spanish. Woman behind the counter tells the guy they're sold out, no one is getting tickets going anywhere for that night. The 3 puerto rican princesses decide to discuss this at length, straight out of a J-Lo video. I'm pissed, cuz I just need a piece of fucking paper to get home, so for some reason, I said "Andale!" to them. They weren't amused. So I walked right by them, to the ticket counter, and got my ticket issued. They still weren't amused, but I could care less at that point.
There were only 2 connecting passengers, me and another girl. The rest of the passengers were not amused, cuz we held them up for an hour. But that bus DID stop in Coquitlam, so I didn't have to use Opal's beer trick. I did buy a beer in the gas station in Ellensburg though (before the transfer), just in case. The border guy thought it was a little weird that I was declaring one beer, and nothing else, but he didn't say too much.
I got home at 10:45PM last night. Caught a cab, went to the beer store, came home, and wrote part 1 of my story.
I hope you enjoyed part 2.
If you ever wanna learn something new bout yourself, I highly recommend doing something like I did. Just getting up and going somewhere. No plans, no expectations. I went a long way, to basically nowhere, and back....but it was sooo much fun. I had no choice but to deal with my surroundings. Being shy didn't matter, cuz I wasn't allowed to be. It's a birthday I'll never forget.
Never thought I'd say this, but...thanks America. Can't wait to do it all over again. Maybe I'll make it all the way to Morgan's next time. Or Kaila's? Yakima? Or the whorehouse in Nuevo Laredo?
Sky's the limit.
Where did I leave off? At the bar, with the montananian....montanaites....montanaish....the fucking women from Montana. They were super nice...in other words, they weren't hot. Don't get me wrong, one was cute (she was from Bozeman, MT)...but they were both very...artsy. Indie. The kind of people that make their own clothes, and both are "totally into spirituality". Normally, these are people that I mock, and go out of my way to try to embarrass. But whatever, they were buying my drinks...it's like bribing a dog with treats...doesn't matter who's givin em to me, I just want more. Bartender gave me a free "birthday beer" too, even though my birthday was the day before. I love Montana.
We left the bar, they showed me a few other places in town I hadn't seen, then went to chill down by the river. They met up with another girl there....she was....well, huge. Not really "all you can eat fried chicken" huge....but she definitely...huge. She ironed her clothes in the driveway. That kinda huge. Anyways, they told lunchbox that I was from Canada, and she went off:
"Ohhh my god. My sister lives in Bellingham...she's always tellin me to move up there and meet a canadian guy and get married, cuz Canadians are so nice, and Canada's soooo pretty". And raises her eyebrows at me. Umm....ewww. Why do the fattys always like me?
38 million responses run through my head. "Lard is a prescription drug in Canada...you'd hate it there". Or..."You actually might like Canada. It has a huge asian population. Other than China, it's the only country in the world with more chins than you have". Or my personal favourite: "Have you ever been to Coeur D'Alene? They have all you can eat fried chicken on wednesdays! If you left now, you'll be first in line. Don't forget your wheelbarrow."
I stuck with something much less offensive...or so I thought. I said "good luck with that", and walked in the other direction. Apparently, her 2 friends thought it was hilarious, and totally started baggin on her..."Ouch! You just got shot down hard!", one said. I was gonna throw a harpoon joke in there...but I kept quiet. Anyways, fatty was offended by what I said, so she took off. The other 2 girls thought I was comic gold. So we went back to the bar.
I know what you're thinking....did Tim actually get laid? Sadly, no. One of the chicks had a book club meeting @ 6pm, and had to jet. She was completely shitfaced when she left...I kinda wanted to see that meeting, just to see how her nerdy friends reacted to her drunkenness. But hey, for all I know, book club meetings are drunken nerd orgies. That's something I DIDN'T need to see. Anyways, the other girl (who was the cute one) then decided to tell me bout her BOYFRIEND. Great timing, nerdbomber. I took about 3 minutes to get the hell outta there.
Before I left though, I got to see something absolutely hilarious. I went to the bathroom. There was no men and women signs. Instead, the guys bathroom had a huge sign on it that said "Rock out with your "insert rooster picture" out. Get it? Cock. It actually had a pic of a rooster. On the girls, it said "Rock out with your "insert clam picture" out. An actual clam picture. It was awesome. I love Montana.
So I left after that. Got back to motel...went to gas station, bought more beer. Went to the Mickey D's (across the street....I could actually watch the drive-thru through my motel room window)...came back..and passed out. Woke up at 8PM. Didn't feel like going out. So I drank my 6 pack, watched a "Whose Line is it Anyway" marathon (my alltime favourite show), laughed so hard I farted like 3 times, and passed out at 4AM. Yeah, I farted. Don't hate. By the way, when you're hungry @ like 2:30AM, and everything's closed....nothing is worse than looking up and seeing a Mickey D's drive-thru across the street. Cuz the main restaurant was closed, and I ain't got no car. It was fucking torcher. Assholes. Maybe ditching fatty back at the river was a bad idea. I'm sure she had a VIP card or something. Oh well.
So yeah, I went to bed at 4AM. And woke up at 6AM. To catch the bus home. I decided that it was waaay too inconvenient to go see Morgan. She had her own stuff goin on, and I would have only been able to stay for a day or 2. So I....went home. Get to the bus station (46 feet away), and find out they got a seat for me. Cool. But the bus is 2 hours late. Not cool. I was bout to go back to the motel to sleep for a bit longer, but then I realized...I left the key in my room. I checked out. FUCK. So I hung out at the bus station....wow, fun. Watched some guy freak out cuz the bus was full. He was gonna "sue greyhound", and he didn't care who was in his way, he was getting on that bus, etc. The cop that showed up convinced him otherwise.
So bus shows up...I get on...sitting 2nd row from the front, opposite side from the driver. Dude sits next to me. Not 20 seconds after we sit down....the chick sitting directly behind the driver...she pukes all over the floor in front of her. Twice. Instead of GETTING OFF THE BUS, since we were at a STATION, she pukes on the floor. Guy next to me looks at me and says "Well, aint that an endorsement for every airline in the world. Making a commercial out of the last 20 seconds we just witnessed....everyone in the world would fly instead of taking greyhound".
That was fucking funny.
The guy was from Philly, and was sent to Missoula on a business trip. His company was super cheap, so they flew him into Spokane and made him take the bus to Missoula, and vice versa. We got to talkin bout sports n stuff, he was pretty cool. He actually reminded me of Jeanettes (EX) boyfriend Nick. EX! I'm goin to Vegas! Nick's movin back! That's a whole other story.
Anyways, talked to him till we got to...St Regis. The place where I got kicked outta the gift shop for laughing at their love of trout. Since I wasn't allowed in the gift shop, the bar was off limits, and the restaurant was full, me n Josh (Philly guy) had nothing to do. I went into the store to grab a red bull, and the women behind the counter announces how "f'n tall" I am. And says wow. And asks the other cashier if she's seen someone as tall as me lately. She says no. Wow, that was stimulating. Thanks for pointing out that I'm different from everyone else in there. I was gonna ask her when she didn't comment on the "black guy", or the "guy sniffing the Maxim magazine"...they're different too, ya know. Let's just say, I officially hate St Regis, MT.
Philly boy found redemption though...or so I thought. He spots a...casino! I was STOKED. I was amazed a town that small had a casino, but I had an hour to kill, so we went and checked it out. I have two words for it:
Fucking. Pathetic.
We walked in, and it was 4 video poker machines, and 3 slot machines. That was IT. I think the neon "casino" sign outside was worth more than these machines. They were older than Opal. That's called foreshadowing, people. You'll meet Opal soon.
Obviously, there was no one else in there. But we had time to kill, so we sat down. I lost 15 bucks playing video poker. Fucking Philly guy won 80 bucks on a slot. I knew his name was Josh....but I called him Philly guy. I'm not sure why. Anyways, get this. Worst part of it all? I was diggin through my pockets for change, cuz I'm a video poker addict, and I found...my motel room key. Apparently I didn't leave it in the room....I coulda gone back and slept for another 2 hours, back in Missoula. Dammit. Oh well, now I have a memento of the Brownies Plus Motel. Gnarly. Room 35 is all mine, bitches.
Go to get back on the bus...and some senior citizen couple are in our seats. We were gonna say something, but the guy next to us told us we didn't put anything on our seats, so they weren't "reserved", and were fair game to new passengers. WTF? I didn't realize there was an unwritten code of bus travelling. But apparently, there is. So we go looking for seats. Only ones available were both aisle seats, across from each other, at the back....
Right in front of the bathroom.
That motherfucker smelled like a....well, a bathroom on a bus. I was trying to come up with something more creative, but "bus bathroom" covers it pretty good. It hadn't been cleaned or emptied since the day before. It was due for a cleaning/emptying in Spokane...3 hours away. Me n Philly guy nearly died. We both agreed that it was the only time in our lives that we would volunteer to sit next to a chick who just puked all over herself...cuz it would actually smell better than the can.
Somehow, we survived the trip. I was sittin next to a black dude...I said hi to him, and he looked at me like I had cerebral palsy or something. Not too friendly. But once me n Philly guy got talking bout football, he was all over it. He was from Detroit, and a huge Lions fan. So we all bullshitted bout sports for the 3 hours till Spokane. It went by quick. They both departed there.
When I got back on in Spokane, I claimed a seat up front. I thought I would be by myself, but the last boarding passenger claimed the window seat next to me. At first I thought "oh great, some old broad"...but she turned out to be one of the highlights of my trip.
She was 79 years old, her name was Opal. She lived in Spokane, and was going to Seattle to visit her son, who was a greyhound driver, ironically. At first, she was just a boring old woman...told me all bout her family, etc. Then I told her bout my love of travelling, and she said she loved travelling too, and had been to a lot of places. She told me all bout her Europe travels, and....and then told me bout her first whorehouse experience.
As soon as she said "whorehouse", I nearly fell over laughing. Not something you expect from a 79 year old lady. Turns out she was in San Antonio bout 10 years ago, and her daughter took her to Mexico overnight. Nuevo Laredo. As a joke, she took Opal to a whorehouse. Of course, Opal had no idea what this place was all about. When she finally figured it out, she started quizzing all the women in the place why they would do that to themselves. Problem was, none of them spoke english...so they were all very confused why an old lady was talking to them. One of them guessed she was just an old lesbian, so she kept saying "trescientos pesos, love you". Then she tried to lead Opal to "her room, for azotiana".
In other words...300 pesos for a spanking.
Imagine hearing that from a 79 year old lady. I wasn't the only one laughing....everyone around me was just as amused as I was.
I didn't think she could top that, but she most definitely did.
I was telling her that I would probably miss my bus to Vancouver (since the bus I was on was running 2 hours late), and I would have to wait in Seattle for 5 hours, and catch the 12:30AM bus to Vancouver. Unfortunately, the 12:30 bus doesn't stop in Coquitlam, so I'd have to go all the way downtown, get there at 3:30AM, and wait till the skytrain started running to get home.
She had a brilliant solution. One that she had ACTUALLY USED.
Her son was a driver, so she knew the procedures. Apparently, the bus goes RIGHT BY her house in Spokane. But it's not allowed to stop anywhere but the station, which was a 20 dollar cab ride from her house. Not even for an old lady, just tryin to get home. She also knew that anyone who is caught smoking or drinking on the bus had to be ejected immediately.
So Opal...this 79 year old sweet lady...last year, on her way home from Seattle...got close to her house...walked to the front of the bus....and lit up a cigarette. AND busted a beer outta her purse, and opened it. The driver was obviously a lil shocked, and decided she was an old lady, so he wouldn't kick her off. She started demanding that he stop....cuz if he didn't follow the rules, she would report him. So he stopped, and kicked her offa the bus....right in front of her house.
She suggested that if I didn't wanna go all the way downtown, I should sneak a beer onto the bus, and crack it open near my freeway exit. He'd boot me off, I'd get a cab, and be home in no time.
This woman is my new messiah.
Turns out I didn't need to do that, cuz the bus driver was able to radio ahead and have them hold the 6:20PM bus to Vancouver, till I got there. We got there at 7:20.
I went to get on, and the driver told me I had to go inside and get a ticket. So....I went inside. There was a lineup, like 4 deep. A guy, and 3 latino women, babbling in spanish. Woman behind the counter tells the guy they're sold out, no one is getting tickets going anywhere for that night. The 3 puerto rican princesses decide to discuss this at length, straight out of a J-Lo video. I'm pissed, cuz I just need a piece of fucking paper to get home, so for some reason, I said "Andale!" to them. They weren't amused. So I walked right by them, to the ticket counter, and got my ticket issued. They still weren't amused, but I could care less at that point.
There were only 2 connecting passengers, me and another girl. The rest of the passengers were not amused, cuz we held them up for an hour. But that bus DID stop in Coquitlam, so I didn't have to use Opal's beer trick. I did buy a beer in the gas station in Ellensburg though (before the transfer), just in case. The border guy thought it was a little weird that I was declaring one beer, and nothing else, but he didn't say too much.
I got home at 10:45PM last night. Caught a cab, went to the beer store, came home, and wrote part 1 of my story.
I hope you enjoyed part 2.
If you ever wanna learn something new bout yourself, I highly recommend doing something like I did. Just getting up and going somewhere. No plans, no expectations. I went a long way, to basically nowhere, and back....but it was sooo much fun. I had no choice but to deal with my surroundings. Being shy didn't matter, cuz I wasn't allowed to be. It's a birthday I'll never forget.
Never thought I'd say this, but...thanks America. Can't wait to do it all over again. Maybe I'll make it all the way to Morgan's next time. Or Kaila's? Yakima? Or the whorehouse in Nuevo Laredo?
Sky's the limit.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Random Redneck Vacation, V1.0
Okay...this whole story is gonna probably seem completely retarded. That is because...well, it IS completely retarded. I will do my best to explain the massive gaps in logic that inspired my tale....but I will probably do a shitty job.
You've been warned.
So, I've been offa work for a bit...no explanation necessary. Side effect of time off....Tim quits drinking. Yeah yeah, I know how that story ends too. I actually did quite well, for me. Lasted for a lil while. Then came the worst day a addict has to endure....that day of the year that you celebrate your birth. Everyone knows you gotta get fucked up on your birthday, right?
Well....I had a few. Not too many. Wasn't "Tucker Max drunk", or anything close. Got dropped off at home bout 12:30AM on the 30th...(yeah, I actually got loaded the day before my birthday...fuck you, it was the 30th somewhere). So I'm home, buzzin, wide awake (slept till 2:30PM that day...other side effect of no work).
So what do I decide to do, you ask?
Somehow, I come up with the "awesome" idea of going to visit Morgan. Or getting as close as possible, anyways.
Morgan lives on the Idaho/Wyoming border. 1536 km from my house. If you need some sort of comparison you might understand....San Francisco is 1510km from my house. Yeah.
I'm not made of money, so I quickly decide that the only way this is gonna happen is by bus. Bus leaves Coquitlam @ 6:40AM...arrives in Idaho Falls @ 10:45AM...THE NEXT DAY. 28 hours.
Somehow, this realization doesn't dissuade me. I still think I can do it.
Day 1 (actually just a continuation of the above...I didn't sleep)
I pack, get psyched, and take a cab to the bus station. Buy a "discovery pass"...which allows you 7 days of unlimited travel anywhere greyhound goes. Get on bus. Head towards Seattle.
This is about the time that the beers/ceasars/no sleep/energy drinks at the bus station all decide to kick in...at once. This is also known as....a hangover in a moving vehicle. The worst kind. And it's not ending anytime soon.
Wait in seattle for an hour, then transfer to the "long distance" bus to ID/MT. Surprisingly, not so bad. Acceptable legroom, no psychos, and a hot girl sitting across from me. Watching her constantly playing with her hair and talking on her cell phone entertains me for a few hours, till Moses Lake, WA. Then I realize....she's constantly playing with her hair and talking on her cell phone. Dammit....is this girl legal? Turns out...she turned 18 LAST WEEK. So legally, it's cool. Morally...fuck off, it's still cool. : )
She gets off in Moses Lake, and is replaced by a behemoth of a woman. Sorry for the old joke, but this woman was so huge, she could sell shade.
Guess this was karma kickin me in the gonads or something. I had pringles in my bag. She kept sniffing the air like a fucking customs drug dog. I swear I even heard her say "Sour Cream n Onion"...twice It was creepy.
Not much interesting happened for a while after that....saw the Seahawks practising in Cheney, WA. Called Morgan when I got to Spokane, who was still kinda wondering where I left my sanity. Saw a sign for "all you can eat fried chicken" on wednesdays only, in Coeur D'Alene, ID. Come to think of it, that's where the behemoth got off the bus. Go figure. Only 3 days to go tubby!
Next stop was St Regis, MT. Was chillin in the restaurant (there was a bar there, but greyhound has a zero booze policy, and the driver was chillin in front of the bar. Asshole.)...met some dude named Todd, from Hays, KS. He was taking the bus home, from Spokane. 36 hours. A 2 hour flight was the same price. He chose the bus for the "experience". WTF? Anyways, he was actually pretty damn funny. They have a "live trout display" in St Regis, in the gift shop. No fucking joke. It's like 6 different trout swimming around in a huge aquarium. I nearly pissed my pants laughing at how stupid it was. This guy Todd figures out the gift shop sells FISHING RODS...you can guess the rest. He was "removed from the premises", for trying to fish in the aquarium...with no hook...or sanity. I was removed too, for laughing, I guess. It was priceless. I wanted to buy him a drink for making me laugh so hard, but due to the "no booze allowed" greyhound garbage....I paid for his soup. Not quite as fun.
Next stop, Missoula, Montana. It's 10:40PM by now. I'm bagged from slumming it all day on the bus. I found out that if I wanted to continue on, I could have gone to Butte, MT, which is 2 hours past Missoula. And then I would have had a 6 hour layover. In the middle of the night. Then 6 more hours on the bus to Idaho Falls. Fuck that. Missoula, here I come. Get a room beside the bus station at the "Brownies Plus Motel". I can't make this shit up, folks. Go to the gas station for beer (GO USA!)...and it's closed. So I go beerless....just go back and pass the fuck out.
That was my birthday folks.
Day 1....complete.
Day 2....
Wake up. Go to the bus station (like 46 feet away)...woman tells me that the buses to Butte and Spokane are full that day, and probably the next day. So...I'm not leaving Missoula anytime soon. In any direction. It's all good though. I'll go explore Missoula. Surprisingly enough, it was actually pretty cool.
It's got bout 60,000 people, and a pretty big university, so there were plenty of women around. And bars. According to my guidebook, these people like to drink...a lot. I swear, I didn't read the Missoula entry in the guidebook till AFTER I stopped there for the night. It was like....destiny. For a guy who's supposed to be quittin drinking...wow...yeah, not the right city choice. But I was stuck there...so....when in Rome...
Actually, I was pretty good. I walked all over the place, checkin out what the city had to offer. It's actually pretty cool, like I said. Beautiful setting, surrounded by hills, a river runs through the middle of the city, etc. First thing I noticed is how NICE everyone is. Literally EVERY person I passed on the street said hello, or asked me how I was doing. I was shocked. I didn't know how to respond. They must have thought I was some fat retarded tourist...actually, they weren't too far off. 2nd thing I noticed is how liberal the city is....very artsy, lotsa hemp stores, etc. I was told that most college towns in the states are like this...but I've been to a few, and never experienced that kinda vibe. It was very laid back.
So after walking round for a few hours, I needed some food. So...I went to a bar. They didn't serve food. They did have 1.25 pints of Pabst...and...Kokanee! In Montana! It was awesome. There were exactly...2 people in the bar when I got there. The bartender chick, who was super cool, and some dude. A couple of other girls came in, and they all quizzed me bout being Canadian for a while. They asked me why I was there...I told them....they all laughed at me. But they thought it was cool, for some reason. Something about independence, and taking a lot of guts to go out on your own and do something like that. And they bought me drinks. And hung out with me for most of the day, and showed me around.
At this point, I was ready to call dad and tell him to send a UHaul to Missoula with my TV and Pollux...cuz I wasn't leaving.
Part 2 of my story will commence tomorrow...it will include the following:
Casinos, 79 year old women, whorehouses, how to get kicked off a greyhound bus, what to do when you end up stuck in a gift shop you were kicked out of 2 days before, being a giant in a small mans world, cool people I met from Philly, Detroit, Spokane, Bozeman, and lotsa other places....and people puking on the bus.
Stay tuned.
You've been warned.
So, I've been offa work for a bit...no explanation necessary. Side effect of time off....Tim quits drinking. Yeah yeah, I know how that story ends too. I actually did quite well, for me. Lasted for a lil while. Then came the worst day a addict has to endure....that day of the year that you celebrate your birth. Everyone knows you gotta get fucked up on your birthday, right?
Well....I had a few. Not too many. Wasn't "Tucker Max drunk", or anything close. Got dropped off at home bout 12:30AM on the 30th...(yeah, I actually got loaded the day before my birthday...fuck you, it was the 30th somewhere). So I'm home, buzzin, wide awake (slept till 2:30PM that day...other side effect of no work).
So what do I decide to do, you ask?
Somehow, I come up with the "awesome" idea of going to visit Morgan. Or getting as close as possible, anyways.
Morgan lives on the Idaho/Wyoming border. 1536 km from my house. If you need some sort of comparison you might understand....San Francisco is 1510km from my house. Yeah.
I'm not made of money, so I quickly decide that the only way this is gonna happen is by bus. Bus leaves Coquitlam @ 6:40AM...arrives in Idaho Falls @ 10:45AM...THE NEXT DAY. 28 hours.
Somehow, this realization doesn't dissuade me. I still think I can do it.
Day 1 (actually just a continuation of the above...I didn't sleep)
I pack, get psyched, and take a cab to the bus station. Buy a "discovery pass"...which allows you 7 days of unlimited travel anywhere greyhound goes. Get on bus. Head towards Seattle.
This is about the time that the beers/ceasars/no sleep/energy drinks at the bus station all decide to kick in...at once. This is also known as....a hangover in a moving vehicle. The worst kind. And it's not ending anytime soon.
Wait in seattle for an hour, then transfer to the "long distance" bus to ID/MT. Surprisingly, not so bad. Acceptable legroom, no psychos, and a hot girl sitting across from me. Watching her constantly playing with her hair and talking on her cell phone entertains me for a few hours, till Moses Lake, WA. Then I realize....she's constantly playing with her hair and talking on her cell phone. Dammit....is this girl legal? Turns out...she turned 18 LAST WEEK. So legally, it's cool. Morally...fuck off, it's still cool. : )
She gets off in Moses Lake, and is replaced by a behemoth of a woman. Sorry for the old joke, but this woman was so huge, she could sell shade.
Guess this was karma kickin me in the gonads or something. I had pringles in my bag. She kept sniffing the air like a fucking customs drug dog. I swear I even heard her say "Sour Cream n Onion"...twice It was creepy.
Not much interesting happened for a while after that....saw the Seahawks practising in Cheney, WA. Called Morgan when I got to Spokane, who was still kinda wondering where I left my sanity. Saw a sign for "all you can eat fried chicken" on wednesdays only, in Coeur D'Alene, ID. Come to think of it, that's where the behemoth got off the bus. Go figure. Only 3 days to go tubby!
Next stop was St Regis, MT. Was chillin in the restaurant (there was a bar there, but greyhound has a zero booze policy, and the driver was chillin in front of the bar. Asshole.)...met some dude named Todd, from Hays, KS. He was taking the bus home, from Spokane. 36 hours. A 2 hour flight was the same price. He chose the bus for the "experience". WTF? Anyways, he was actually pretty damn funny. They have a "live trout display" in St Regis, in the gift shop. No fucking joke. It's like 6 different trout swimming around in a huge aquarium. I nearly pissed my pants laughing at how stupid it was. This guy Todd figures out the gift shop sells FISHING RODS...you can guess the rest. He was "removed from the premises", for trying to fish in the aquarium...with no hook...or sanity. I was removed too, for laughing, I guess. It was priceless. I wanted to buy him a drink for making me laugh so hard, but due to the "no booze allowed" greyhound garbage....I paid for his soup. Not quite as fun.
Next stop, Missoula, Montana. It's 10:40PM by now. I'm bagged from slumming it all day on the bus. I found out that if I wanted to continue on, I could have gone to Butte, MT, which is 2 hours past Missoula. And then I would have had a 6 hour layover. In the middle of the night. Then 6 more hours on the bus to Idaho Falls. Fuck that. Missoula, here I come. Get a room beside the bus station at the "Brownies Plus Motel". I can't make this shit up, folks. Go to the gas station for beer (GO USA!)...and it's closed. So I go beerless....just go back and pass the fuck out.
That was my birthday folks.
Day 1....complete.
Day 2....
Wake up. Go to the bus station (like 46 feet away)...woman tells me that the buses to Butte and Spokane are full that day, and probably the next day. So...I'm not leaving Missoula anytime soon. In any direction. It's all good though. I'll go explore Missoula. Surprisingly enough, it was actually pretty cool.
It's got bout 60,000 people, and a pretty big university, so there were plenty of women around. And bars. According to my guidebook, these people like to drink...a lot. I swear, I didn't read the Missoula entry in the guidebook till AFTER I stopped there for the night. It was like....destiny. For a guy who's supposed to be quittin drinking...wow...yeah, not the right city choice. But I was stuck there...so....when in Rome...
Actually, I was pretty good. I walked all over the place, checkin out what the city had to offer. It's actually pretty cool, like I said. Beautiful setting, surrounded by hills, a river runs through the middle of the city, etc. First thing I noticed is how NICE everyone is. Literally EVERY person I passed on the street said hello, or asked me how I was doing. I was shocked. I didn't know how to respond. They must have thought I was some fat retarded tourist...actually, they weren't too far off. 2nd thing I noticed is how liberal the city is....very artsy, lotsa hemp stores, etc. I was told that most college towns in the states are like this...but I've been to a few, and never experienced that kinda vibe. It was very laid back.
So after walking round for a few hours, I needed some food. So...I went to a bar. They didn't serve food. They did have 1.25 pints of Pabst...and...Kokanee! In Montana! It was awesome. There were exactly...2 people in the bar when I got there. The bartender chick, who was super cool, and some dude. A couple of other girls came in, and they all quizzed me bout being Canadian for a while. They asked me why I was there...I told them....they all laughed at me. But they thought it was cool, for some reason. Something about independence, and taking a lot of guts to go out on your own and do something like that. And they bought me drinks. And hung out with me for most of the day, and showed me around.
At this point, I was ready to call dad and tell him to send a UHaul to Missoula with my TV and Pollux...cuz I wasn't leaving.
Part 2 of my story will commence tomorrow...it will include the following:
Casinos, 79 year old women, whorehouses, how to get kicked off a greyhound bus, what to do when you end up stuck in a gift shop you were kicked out of 2 days before, being a giant in a small mans world, cool people I met from Philly, Detroit, Spokane, Bozeman, and lotsa other places....and people puking on the bus.
Stay tuned.
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