I was given the opportunity to write a guest post on an MMA site, www.fourouncestofreedom.com. It's an MMA blog about an aspiring cage fighter, which has recently decided to change their format a bit and cover more mainstream MMA news. It's a part of the Rudius network, which alsos hosts pages like www.tuckermax.com and philalawyer.net. It's a pretty hardcore MMA article, so if you don't follow the sport closely you'll likely have no idea what I'm talking about...but I wouldn't be a good writer if I didn't pimp my work, right?
Anyways, check it out, let me know what you think if you're so inclined.
EDIT - I'm now the full time writer for the site.
http://www.fourouncestofreedom.com/
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
DC, part 2
Here we go again.
So I woke up after a blissful yeungling-induced sleep in the comfiest bed ever. It's 9:30am, DC time. I'm super excited to go check out this city...for about 3 seconds, till I realized it's only 6:30 where I'm from.
4 hours later, it was time to see DC!
I took the metro into town, and got off at the stop that looked to be in the middle of the stuff I wanted to check out. Exit metro, go up the stairs...and I guess I was right. I am literally in the middle of eeeverything. To the left is the Washington Monument. To the right is the Capitol. In front of me is the Natural History Museum. Behind me...well, there are some asian tourists that are yelling 'Tayka pickcha! Tayka pickcha!' at each other...they're everywhere, folks.
My guidebook said it was a 2.2 mile 'beautiful grassy expanse' between the monument and the Capitol. The 2.2 miles part was correct. But beautiful grassy expanse? Try massive dustbowl with some semi-dead grassy patches. I haven't seen a lawn that unkempt since I saw these naked Icelandic bitches at www. hairyicela...what, too much info?
Where was I? Oh yea, DC. My first goal was to go to the Natural History Museum in front of me to see some dinosaurs! I figured it would be kind of anticlimactic, since I get to reside with a living, breathing dinosaur...but it was still cool (Just kidding dad!). It's a pretty sweet museum, actually. Some massive dinosaur skeletons, the Hope Diamond, a few other things. I spent an hour or so meandering about, then headed over to the Air and Space Museum. It was gigantic...it holds the capsule from an Apollo space mission, at least 15 full-sized planes from various eras, blah blah. I'm a weirdo though, cuz my favourite part of the whole museum was...the McDonalds.
It was, without a doubt, the biggest Mickey D's I have ever seen in my life. Over 1000 seats. One thousand. No joke. Serves 15,000 people a day. It has like 20 'lanes' where they rifle you through quicker than a fucking gas chamber lineup. Employees SCREAMED at you to keep moving. It was crazily militant, yet absurdly efficient. I can't imagine what they would do if you tried to get picky with your order....'You want extra pickles? Here's your fucking extra pickles!' as the Hamburglar violates you in the pooper and humiliates you in front of everyone. So yea...it was intense. Nice place though. And I have an overactive imagination, apparently.
After that, I walked up to the Capitol (which was pretty awesome), then into another museum, then took the metro back to the monument. It's...a big penis in the sky. Woo. One thing I should note is that every museum in DC is free, which is a bonus. And they're absolutely massive, so there were no lines at all. DC has tourism down to a science...I've never seen such efficiency anywhere else. This was a plus and a minus, though. I had scheduled 4 days to see everything I wanted to check out...after 4 hours though, I had already covered 80% of it. So, after all that efficiency...I figured it was time to get drunk. Duh. This is me we're talking about.
I was gonna go find 2 or 3 of the pubs I had heard so much about, but...I still had 3 days to kill in this place. I figured a nice, relaxing night with a case of beer in a hotel room never hurt anyone. In other words...I did the exact same thing that I did the night before. Yeungling, huge TV, dope hotel room...and Comedy Central. They had a Bob Saget roast on, and I nearly died laughing. It was awesome. It was so funny, I watched it twice. The 2nd time was actually funnier cuz I was drunk and forgot half of the first viewing...go Tim.
***Side note - Barack Obama just said something hilarious on CNN, and I wanna share it with you:
'My greatest strength? My humility. My greatest weakness? I might just be too awesome.' ***
Aaaand we're back.
So after Saget and Stamos were verbally raped, I was just watching random comedy stuff and chillin...till I heard what might be the funniest line I've ever endured. It's totally retarded, and you might not find it that funny at all...but after 12 yeunglings (times 2!) it was incredible. Here goes:
'I don't date girls from China. Why? Cuz that's a huge red flag!!'
'And I'm racist.'
Funny? Yes? No? I laughed again as I typed it, so it's funny. It's my blog, dammit.
Ooookay. So I watched some Hannah Montana for a while, then passed out. Don't tread on me, that show is funny. After another retardedly comfy sleep, I had to check out of my dope hotel and go check into another. When I originally planned the trip, I had planned on DC for 2 days, and Baltimore for 2. When I found out Baltimore was Compton-like, I changed it up. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a good deal at hotelopia anymore, so I ended up at a Radisson a couple of miles away, in Crystal City.
After checking out the Pentagon for a bit, I checked out the hood around the new hotel. Down the street was a little shopping center, with these establishments, in order from left to right:
Thai Restaurant. Check cashing place. Strip Club. 7/11.
I have never, ever seen a strip club directly next door to a 7/11 before. Naturally, I had to go in and see what 7/11 strippers look like, right? Hell no. 20 dollar cover at 2pm on a monday kinda killed that idea. Bullshit. So I went to a sports pub for shitty service and expensive beer. 15 minutes to get acknowledged...and there were maybe 7 other people in the bar. Needless to say, I didn't last long. Crystal city so far was...odd. I was fed up with Virginia for the moment, so I took the metro back to DC and went to find a bar I had been told about. It's called the Brickskeller.
The Brickskeller is heaven for beer drinkers. They sell 1000 different beers. 1000. A different one for every seat in the museum McDonalds. They hand you a binder/menu, and you choose. It was epic. I tried a few different types...some good, some not so good. After a few hours it started to get busy, so I headed out and went to check out the Foggy Bottom area. Went to a couple of other bars, nothing too special. Headed back to Crystal City early, got beer from the Gentleman's 7/11, ordered pizza, and bet on approximately 12 baseball games. Drank said beer, lost 10 of the 12 fucking bets, and passed out on the uncomfy adjustable bed. Fucking Mets.
Last day in DC. I was gonna head to Baltimore for the day, but I was incredibly lazy, and taking the train seemed too complicated. Looking back, it was retarded...I totally should have gone up there...but I had ZERO motivation that day for some reason. I dragged my ass back to the sports pub up the street reluctantly, but received a completely different reception. A ridiculously hot waitress served me right away, the food was awesome, and she even came back and sat with me and bullshitted for a while. She gave me a free Stella too, cuz 'Canadians are awesome'. Because I'm so witty and charming, my responses to her questions usually involved drool, grunting, and staring at her tits...but I'm sure she's used to this kinda thing. And I repped the country like a fucking hero. I stood on guard for thee. By thee, I mean her boobs.
After all that hard work...I went and took a nap. I still hadn't seen the White House and I was leaving at 10am the next day...but I had zero desire to be a tourist that day. My hotel had a bar, so I went down there and watched some baseball for a while...before I knew it, it was midnight and I was unsober. 7/11, more comedy central and Hannah Montana...yea, it was a complete waste of a day. And don't hate on Miley, she's witty. Like me!
In the morning, I learned a new traveling lesson.
Lesson 454, Subsection B, part IV: It might seem cool to charge your drinks to your room at the hotel bar, but you quickly lose track of the numero of the cervezas that you...uh, drinko. The 90 dollar bill that awaited my checkout was not exactly awesome, considering a case of beer was 7 dollars across the street. Again...Go Tim.
Anyways, I headed out on the metro to check out the White House before I headed up to the airport. I got there and...it's the White House. You can't really get anywhere near it. The guards are cranky. There are weirdos all over the place, even at 7am on a wednesday. Go figure. So, onto the airport, then...
Next stop....Boston!
So I woke up after a blissful yeungling-induced sleep in the comfiest bed ever. It's 9:30am, DC time. I'm super excited to go check out this city...for about 3 seconds, till I realized it's only 6:30 where I'm from.
4 hours later, it was time to see DC!
I took the metro into town, and got off at the stop that looked to be in the middle of the stuff I wanted to check out. Exit metro, go up the stairs...and I guess I was right. I am literally in the middle of eeeverything. To the left is the Washington Monument. To the right is the Capitol. In front of me is the Natural History Museum. Behind me...well, there are some asian tourists that are yelling 'Tayka pickcha! Tayka pickcha!' at each other...they're everywhere, folks.
My guidebook said it was a 2.2 mile 'beautiful grassy expanse' between the monument and the Capitol. The 2.2 miles part was correct. But beautiful grassy expanse? Try massive dustbowl with some semi-dead grassy patches. I haven't seen a lawn that unkempt since I saw these naked Icelandic bitches at www. hairyicela...what, too much info?
Where was I? Oh yea, DC. My first goal was to go to the Natural History Museum in front of me to see some dinosaurs! I figured it would be kind of anticlimactic, since I get to reside with a living, breathing dinosaur...but it was still cool (Just kidding dad!). It's a pretty sweet museum, actually. Some massive dinosaur skeletons, the Hope Diamond, a few other things. I spent an hour or so meandering about, then headed over to the Air and Space Museum. It was gigantic...it holds the capsule from an Apollo space mission, at least 15 full-sized planes from various eras, blah blah. I'm a weirdo though, cuz my favourite part of the whole museum was...the McDonalds.
It was, without a doubt, the biggest Mickey D's I have ever seen in my life. Over 1000 seats. One thousand. No joke. Serves 15,000 people a day. It has like 20 'lanes' where they rifle you through quicker than a fucking gas chamber lineup. Employees SCREAMED at you to keep moving. It was crazily militant, yet absurdly efficient. I can't imagine what they would do if you tried to get picky with your order....'You want extra pickles? Here's your fucking extra pickles!' as the Hamburglar violates you in the pooper and humiliates you in front of everyone. So yea...it was intense. Nice place though. And I have an overactive imagination, apparently.
After that, I walked up to the Capitol (which was pretty awesome), then into another museum, then took the metro back to the monument. It's...a big penis in the sky. Woo. One thing I should note is that every museum in DC is free, which is a bonus. And they're absolutely massive, so there were no lines at all. DC has tourism down to a science...I've never seen such efficiency anywhere else. This was a plus and a minus, though. I had scheduled 4 days to see everything I wanted to check out...after 4 hours though, I had already covered 80% of it. So, after all that efficiency...I figured it was time to get drunk. Duh. This is me we're talking about.
I was gonna go find 2 or 3 of the pubs I had heard so much about, but...I still had 3 days to kill in this place. I figured a nice, relaxing night with a case of beer in a hotel room never hurt anyone. In other words...I did the exact same thing that I did the night before. Yeungling, huge TV, dope hotel room...and Comedy Central. They had a Bob Saget roast on, and I nearly died laughing. It was awesome. It was so funny, I watched it twice. The 2nd time was actually funnier cuz I was drunk and forgot half of the first viewing...go Tim.
***Side note - Barack Obama just said something hilarious on CNN, and I wanna share it with you:
'My greatest strength? My humility. My greatest weakness? I might just be too awesome.' ***
Aaaand we're back.
So after Saget and Stamos were verbally raped, I was just watching random comedy stuff and chillin...till I heard what might be the funniest line I've ever endured. It's totally retarded, and you might not find it that funny at all...but after 12 yeunglings (times 2!) it was incredible. Here goes:
'I don't date girls from China. Why? Cuz that's a huge red flag!!'
'And I'm racist.'
Funny? Yes? No? I laughed again as I typed it, so it's funny. It's my blog, dammit.
Ooookay. So I watched some Hannah Montana for a while, then passed out. Don't tread on me, that show is funny. After another retardedly comfy sleep, I had to check out of my dope hotel and go check into another. When I originally planned the trip, I had planned on DC for 2 days, and Baltimore for 2. When I found out Baltimore was Compton-like, I changed it up. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a good deal at hotelopia anymore, so I ended up at a Radisson a couple of miles away, in Crystal City.
After checking out the Pentagon for a bit, I checked out the hood around the new hotel. Down the street was a little shopping center, with these establishments, in order from left to right:
Thai Restaurant. Check cashing place. Strip Club. 7/11.
I have never, ever seen a strip club directly next door to a 7/11 before. Naturally, I had to go in and see what 7/11 strippers look like, right? Hell no. 20 dollar cover at 2pm on a monday kinda killed that idea. Bullshit. So I went to a sports pub for shitty service and expensive beer. 15 minutes to get acknowledged...and there were maybe 7 other people in the bar. Needless to say, I didn't last long. Crystal city so far was...odd. I was fed up with Virginia for the moment, so I took the metro back to DC and went to find a bar I had been told about. It's called the Brickskeller.
The Brickskeller is heaven for beer drinkers. They sell 1000 different beers. 1000. A different one for every seat in the museum McDonalds. They hand you a binder/menu, and you choose. It was epic. I tried a few different types...some good, some not so good. After a few hours it started to get busy, so I headed out and went to check out the Foggy Bottom area. Went to a couple of other bars, nothing too special. Headed back to Crystal City early, got beer from the Gentleman's 7/11, ordered pizza, and bet on approximately 12 baseball games. Drank said beer, lost 10 of the 12 fucking bets, and passed out on the uncomfy adjustable bed. Fucking Mets.
Last day in DC. I was gonna head to Baltimore for the day, but I was incredibly lazy, and taking the train seemed too complicated. Looking back, it was retarded...I totally should have gone up there...but I had ZERO motivation that day for some reason. I dragged my ass back to the sports pub up the street reluctantly, but received a completely different reception. A ridiculously hot waitress served me right away, the food was awesome, and she even came back and sat with me and bullshitted for a while. She gave me a free Stella too, cuz 'Canadians are awesome'. Because I'm so witty and charming, my responses to her questions usually involved drool, grunting, and staring at her tits...but I'm sure she's used to this kinda thing. And I repped the country like a fucking hero. I stood on guard for thee. By thee, I mean her boobs.
After all that hard work...I went and took a nap. I still hadn't seen the White House and I was leaving at 10am the next day...but I had zero desire to be a tourist that day. My hotel had a bar, so I went down there and watched some baseball for a while...before I knew it, it was midnight and I was unsober. 7/11, more comedy central and Hannah Montana...yea, it was a complete waste of a day. And don't hate on Miley, she's witty. Like me!
In the morning, I learned a new traveling lesson.
Lesson 454, Subsection B, part IV: It might seem cool to charge your drinks to your room at the hotel bar, but you quickly lose track of the numero of the cervezas that you...uh, drinko. The 90 dollar bill that awaited my checkout was not exactly awesome, considering a case of beer was 7 dollars across the street. Again...Go Tim.
Anyways, I headed out on the metro to check out the White House before I headed up to the airport. I got there and...it's the White House. You can't really get anywhere near it. The guards are cranky. There are weirdos all over the place, even at 7am on a wednesday. Go figure. So, onto the airport, then...
Next stop....Boston!
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