The Legend of El Gas

The last time I saw Milo before we left for this trip, we went out to the pub for a few drinks. As expected, we were discussing all the crazy shit we were gonna do, how drunk we were gonna get, all the bitches that we were gonna fail spectacularly with...you know, the usual. I mentioned possibly leaving the city for a few days, and Milo actually surprised me when he made it quite clear that we absolutely HAD to leave Mexico City for at least a day.

"We have to go to a city called Puebla. HAVE TO!" he said. I had read about Puebla, and it seemed kinda cool, but I certainly didn't think it was a must-see. Milo thought differently.

"Dude, do you know about El Gas? El Gas is the funniest shit! BOOPITY BOOP BOOP...EL GAS!"

Besides the fact it was pretty fucking embarrassing sitting across from a person that just sang something resembling boopity boop boop in a crowded bar, I was mildly intrigued.

"Okay buddy, I don't humor you often, and I certainly DO NOT condone you attempting to sing, but what the hell is El Gas?"
"DUDE! You've never heard of El Gas? World traveler guy! How have you never heard of El Gas? It's the coolest shit!"
"Okay slow your roll jackass. What is it?"
"It's a gas truck that drives around the city! It plays this music that goes -"
"STOP. Do not sing again. Are you hearing me? We're in public! I like it when everyone's NOT staring at us."
"Fuck off guy. It's a truck that drives around going BOOPITY BOOP BOOP BOOP and then a guy yells out EL GAAAS!"
*pulling my hood over my head* "Good god. What the hell is the matter with you? That just sounds so dumb. Do you ever listen to yourself?"
"Shut up Timmy, it's awesome. I wish I had my laptop here, the shit's on youtube. You''ll love it. I'm telling you!"
"You worry me Milo. Really, seriously...you worry me."
"Timmy I'm telling you guy. You're gonna love it. We're going to Puebla, and we're gonna see the El Gas truck."
"It's a city of like 2 million people. How the fuck do you expect to find this thing?"
"Buddy, it drives around everywhere! IT WILL FIND US! BOOBITY BOO-"
"Fuck would you shut the fuck up! Fuck!"
" - EL GAAAS!"
"Holy fuck."

I had no idea how right he would be, and how funny it would turn out.


Fast-forward to our hotel room in Puebla. It's 9am, the day after our tequila-infused presidential rally. I started the day with an epic hungover meltdown, yelling/explaining to Milo that I wouldn't go to Veracruz, despite it winning the drunken coinflip, because the mosquitoes there have Dengue Fever and I didn't wanna get a disease. Yeah, I'm a fucking retard. Anyway, he didn't seem too bothered about going to Taxco instead, so we decided on that and started the process of heading out like babies. While I packed, Milo decided it was number two time.

(I'll apologize in advance to anyone that might find this too graphic, but it's really not that bad.)

I mentioned in the last blog that the hotel room had 20 foot ceilings, but the bathroom walls were only half that high. So when someone is doing something in the bathroom...yeah, there's no sound barrier. So I got to listen to Milo commentate to me everything that was going on with his morning shit, which was pretty fucking gross. I rushed over to the patio, whipped open the doors, and hung my head over the patio, desperate for fresh air. And the noise of traffic to drown out his commentary/morning glory.

His idea of comedy gold was interrupted though...interrupted by the sound of music. Music that sounded eerily similar to that stupid shit he was singing at the pub a month before. And suddenly things got flipped upside down in this here hotel room.

"...so here comes round 4! Timmy, it's ready! TIMMY, it's...wait. Wha-...what is that? TIMMY THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!!!! EL GAS!!!!!"

.053 of a second later...here comes Milo, running out of the bathroom, halfway through the process of pulling up his shorts. And running towards me and the patio. RUNNING.

Since I had bathroom commentary the whole time, I knew precisely what stage of defecation was occurring. And it was nowhere near the wiping stage. Eight levels of disgust and hilarity overwhelmed me immediately.

"DUDE! Go wipe your-"
"TIMMY! IT'S EL GAS! MOVE!"

Now I've been forcibly removed from the tiny patio by a guy that likely has poo particles all over his hands, and hasn't even considered putting toilet paper anywhere near the vicinity of his buttocks.

It's not The Legend of El Gas anymore. It's The Legend of Swamp Ass.

"YESS! El Gas Timmy! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU IT WOULD FIND US! EL GAS! YES! Where's your fucking camera! He's driving by right now!!!"
"Okay dude, I'm getting it. This is sensory overload for like 4 out of 5 of my senses right now."
"TIMMYITSLEAVINGHURRYUP!"
"TIMMYHESLEAVING!"
"TIMMYHESUPTHESTREETWHATTHEFUCK!"
"...okay, here it is."
*Classic Milo look of disbelief* "What the fuck dude! Was the camera back in Mexico City!?! I missed it! He's gone! I didn't get it on camera! I...didn't...get...it...on...camera. That. Sucks. Ass."
"Speaking of ass, uh...dude..."
"Fuck! It was right there! Now no one will believe I saw it! It was right here!"
"Uh, Rob? No one even knows what the fuck it is. No one cares. It's not like you just saw Bigfoot."
"Fuck!"

I could understand where Milo was coming from, sorta. Seeing something you had set your sights on, something that you had thought about for ages...it's right there in front of you, and you don't get any evidence for posterity. There's one minor difference between us though:

Tim's idea of things that fit the category? The Stanley Cup. Colosseum. Boobs.
Rob's idea of things that fit the category? A fucking Mexican gas truck.

The next 20 minutes were fucking depressing. Have you ever seen a grown man completely conflicted? Rob Milo was conflicted. He was uber-happy that he had fulfilled his dream of actually seeing The Legend of El Gas, but he was thoroughly disappointed that he had no evidence of it. Until...

...boopity boop boop ELLL GAAAS...

"TIMMY! TIMMY!!!! IT'S BACK! AND I HAVE YOUR CAMERA RIGHT HERE! YES!!!!!"


This story wouldn't be half as good if you couldn't experience The Legend of El Gas for yourselves. So, people....HERE is what Milo was so excited about.

Prepare for a quick laugh, a thought cloud above your head saying "WTF?", followed by...a strange impulse to want to hang out with Rob Milo. Because people, there's never a dull moment, that's for sure. Good on ya, buddy. Shit like this is why I'm glad I got to travel with you. Jackass.

El Gas in living color