Not long after the original Disappointment trip, Jess and I came across uber-cheap flights from Bellingham to Reno. It seemed like a good bachelor-party-style trip for Jim, Jess and I. From what I had heard, Reno's a lot like a few women I know...cheap and dirty, but fun in small doses. The idea floated around for a few months, until it finally came to fruition. We decided upon 1 night in Reno, then a train ride up to Sacramento to visit Jess's Uncle Roger (see the Mount Killafatty/Yosemite blog for more on Roger...he's awesome). Roger had also arranged a trip to San Francisco to go sailing. His wife won't sail with him anymore due to an unfortunate water entry on her part...so we were his next victims. It sounded like a lot of fun...and it was.
As usual, shit went sideways before the trip even started. I went over to Jess and Jamie's after work, cuz they live closer to the border than I do. The plan was for Jim's mom to pick us up and drive us to the Bellingham airport. This didn't make a lot of sense, cuz Jim insisted that we meet him and his mom at his place. Downtown. 36.1km further away from the border than we already were *thanks google maps*. But Jim insisted that his mom "gets lost in the suburbs easily", so she couldn't pick us up at Jess's. On the way to the border. I even came up with a great plan...Jess and I could take the bus right down to the last highway exit before the border...we could literally meet them ON the highway.
Nope, too complicated. Come on, this is Jim we're talking about. Simplicity? Outta the window for you!
Anyways, we went out for dinner, then back to their place for a few drinks. Jamie got smashed offa 3 drinks and spoke of inappropriate stuff all night (let's just say I've never heard a teacher use the word 'cock' that many times in one night outside Mugs N Jugs) while Jess and I stared at her in disbelief. Believe me, if I had a tape recorder, I woulda played it at their wedding...it woulda ruled.
After that hilarity, and a good sleep, we got up early to start our trek downtown. Right before we got to Jim's, Jess got a call from Amtrak...our train was canceled. WTF? This train goes from Chicago to San Francisco. Magically, it was stopping in Reno now...right where we wanted to get on the fucking thing. They "kindly" offered a busride in exchange, but we managed to get a one-way car rental for much cheaper...so screw them.
Jim's mom eventually arrived...and she's funny. Anyone that makes fun of Jim is cool with me. She set me up for some good lines too:
Jim's mom: "Jim, you're sure talkative today...normally you don't say a lot when you're with me."
Tim: "Really? We're gonna need you to hang out with us a lot more often then."
After a stop for lunch (or in my case, beer) in Blaine, it was onto the ghetto Bellingham airport. Jess and I found hilarity here last time, and this time was no different. Our plane was on time, but parked at least 200 feet from the gate. Why is this funny? Umm, we were going to Reno. Half the patrons of said plane were over 70 years old. The pre-boarding announcement was something along the lines of :
"Seniors, people traveling with small children, and people requiring a little more time getting on the plane can come up now for pre-boarding."
I'm not shitting you...at least 80 people got up all at once and walked/rolled/crawled up there. But since the plane was so far away, it turned into a 200 foot-long handicapped parade on the tarmac. Wheelchairs in the front, canes in the middle, and straight up slowpokes in the back. The sight of it was awesomely funny, but got old realll quick. It took us another half hour to get anywhere near the plane. And getting off the fucker? Yea, that sucked too.
Finally, we were in Reno. I had heard so much about this place, and I couldn't wait to check it out. It's...well, it's unique. After checking in at the hotel and dropping our shit off, we went in search of dead hookers and tentacle porn.
(For the record, I have no idea what tentacle porn is...but it made me laugh the first time I heard it, so it works. As for the dead hookers...I was taking creative license with the whole "hookers and blow" thing. It's my blog, live with it.)
We found beers quickly, and checked out our hotel and the 2 connected to it. After a couple margaritas, we decided to venture out onto "the strip". All I can say is....wow. It's the fucking hood. We stopped at a couple of small casinos for beers along the way, and made fun of the locals. We only saw a couple of people getting arrested that time. Eventually it was back to the hotel for more booze, and...the buffet! No, it was not my idea assholes. Anyways, they had a seafood buffet for like 15 bucks, and I was determined to clean out a small seafull o' critters. I think I ate the legs of approximately 9 shellfish...while drinking 3 beers at the same time. Here, just for yourself:
I really thought I was gonna die after the buffet. I actually had to go back to the hotel room and take a shower, I was so fucked up. Well that, and I smelled like a hastings resident that's misplaced her douchebag.
Yea, it wasn't pretty.
So after all that, it was gambling/drinking time. Jim was on fire at the tables...it was sickening. I've never seen one person catch that many blackjacks in one night. He was lucky as fuck. In the meantime...Jess was fucking shitfaced. And hilarious. Here's some examples:
(In Circus Circus) "Guys....guyyyyyys...we gotta get outta here right now...there's way too many hot 14 year old girls in here!"
"Okay guys...I'm engaged, so I obviously can't touch any women here...so it's up to you to pick them up and fuck them! But...I get to watch!"
Pointing at the cops arresting some people : "RENO 911! REEEENO 911!!!!"
At some point, we went back to the hotel room...probably to get changed or something. Jess had his laptop with him, and he youtube'd the retarded country songs we drunkenly sang in the car in Disappointment at 5am. Jim was shocked and disgusted, rightfully so, at Jess and I SCREAMING
I'm a God fearin' hard workin' combine driver!!!
Hoggin' up the road on my a p-p-p-plower!!!
Chug a lug a lugin' 5 miles an hour!!!
On my International Harvester!!!
...yea, it was high comedy. We weren't sober. Here's Jess singing (I think?):
He was so drunk at one point, he actually theorized that a margarita would sober him up. Here, see for yourself:
And, I shit you not, IT ACTUALLY DID. I have no idea how that worked...but he slurred less, was more awake, and lasted another 3-4 hours after that. Go tequila?
After hours and hours of booze and gambling, we were close to done for the night. Around 3 something AM, we went to the deli to get food. Jim and I got ours and sat at a table back out in the walkway area. There were still people everywhere. Randomly, 2 guys start yelling at each other, like 10 feet from us. One pushes the other...and that guy throws a punch. Slick guy ducked it, grabbed onto him, and threw him down. For some reason, I yelled out "JUDO THROW! TWO POINTS!" which made everyone, including the guys IN the fight, look at me. Oops. Luckily, they had better things to do, and continued fighting. Jess RAN outta the Deli, yelling "FIIIGHT!", which was pretty funny. After a couple more judo throws and a couple punches, one guy quit and walked away. The whole thing probably lasted 90 seconds. It was awesome.
What could top that? At least 5-7 minutes after the commotion...security showed up. 2 small female security guards. They looked around, looked at each other...and just walked away. They didn't ask anyone anything. Apparently this is a regular occurance in Reno. I love this place!
After a nightcap margarita, where Jess and I stared at the hottest blond chick in the entire world (who was most likely an escort, but we didn't give a shit), we passed out around 5 somethin.
As usual, if I'm forgetting anything...Jess or Jim, fill me in and I'll add it in the next entry.
Here's an additional pic, just for fun. He comes outta the can on his phone...I come out with 2 beers. If that doesn't describe us well, I dunno what would.
