America, Part 3

I don't think an introduction is necessary. You all know why you're here. Grab a drink, get comfy. Prepare for entertainment. If you don't find any here...well...tough poopy! You just wasted 5-10 minutes of your life on me! Joke's on you, asshole!

**Change alert** I can't fit Chicago, Pittsburgh, and Boston into 1 entry, without it being too long. You have a short attention span...I know this. I'll cover Chicago and Pittsburgh here, and Boston will be part 4, since it deserves its own entry. NYC will be the grand finale, part 5. So it's no longer a quadrilogy. It's a pentalogy! That's a 5 part series. See, I don't just entertain...I teach, and enlighten. Thank me later.

I would like to start with one small correction to part 1. I forgot to include the ESPN Zone as one of the bars I was in. Since Morgan refuses to let me count Chili's, my beloved ESPN Zone will take it's place in my count. So I'm still at 9, up until my flight to Chicago. Not that any of this matters to you...I prefer accuracy, okay?


Chicago

I get off the flight, and proceed to walk across the biggest fucking airport I've ever seen, O'Hare. I finally get to the subway, which takes me downtown (and takes an hour to get there). My first impression is...this place is dirty. You get to see like 32 suburbs on the trip into town, and well....none were impressive. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but that wasn't it. It was urban decay. It was the hood in Denver, on a massive scale. I didn't see a "stay out whitey" sign in the airport anywhere though....so...

Anyways, I get downtown, and walk to the hostel (my first hostel stay on this trip). Dude at the counter tells me I can't check in till 2. It's 11. Blah. I drop off my bag and walk around. Forever. It's hard to describe the walk....everything around you is HUGE. All skyscrapers, for like 4009 square blocks. It was impossible to gain any perspective, cuz you're literally surrounded by them at all times. I walked to Sears Tower...which was...tall. It was the worlds tallest building until 2004. The top of it was literally in the clouds. My neck hurt from looking up. Yawn. Can you sense my excitement here?

Let's just say I wasn't super impressed so far.

Before you ask, there was no fucking way I was going up to the top of that building. I'm scared of heights. Ironic for someone as tall as me, yes...but still true. Highway overpasses scare me. I didn't have a change of underwear on me at the time, so exposing myself to sheer terror wasn't high on my priority list.

The other thing I noticed was that literally no one was dressed like me. No one wore ball caps, no one was wearing a hoodie. And there were a LOT of people downtown. They weren't all business types either, there were lotsa casual people walking around...they weren't dressed "better" than me....just...different. It was very odd.

Chicago's transit system has a subway which branches off in all directions, but all the lines meet in the middle of town, in what's called "The Loop". All the trains circle through the loop (which is elevated bout 50 feet above ground, as opposed to all the other trains), which basically travels around the outskirts of the downtown core. More than 1 person told me the loop trains are the highlight of the city. I took it...and umm...all I could see were the same buildings I could see from walking on the road below. And it was 50 feet above the ground, so I was almost in need of emergency underwear when it stopped abruptly and the door beside me opened a bit. In between stations. Not pleasant. By the way, save the "you're a big girl" comments...I already know I'm a huge wuss. It's part of my charm.

After a less than enjoyable start to my stay in the Windy City, I decided that getting outta downtown might help, so I went to Wrigley Field. It was pretty damn cool. They weren't offering tours, so I just walked around it a couple of times, and had a beer in the bar across the street from it (bar #10).

By now it was bout 3, so I went back and checked in. The hostel was HUUUGE. Like 500 beds or something. I talked to a couple of Brazillian guys in my hostel room, who told me to never go to Sao Paulo. Thanks for the advice, guys. Rio it is.

There was nothing to do there, so I went exploring some more. My guidebook said that Millennium Park was pretty cool, and it was really close to the hostel, so I went and checked it out, and I'm reeeally glad I did. It was awesome. The park is right on the shore of Lake Michigan, and gives you a chance to escape the monotony of the skyscrapers. Once you get outside of them, they're actually pretty cool looking. 80 floor condo buildings, all over the place...that shit is crazy.

Anyways, the park was big, and really cool. They have this thing that's nicknamed "the bean" in the center of it. I'm not sure what its purpose is, but it's huge, metallic, and reflective. When you walk up to it, you see your reflection on a few sides of it. When you walk underneath it, your reflection is all over the damn place...it's pretty cool. I was gonna come back drunk and check it out, but that never happened.

After all the reflection excitement...I was bored again. So....take a guess what I did?

Bar # 11 baby. Had 3 there, which gave me a crazy buzz for some reason. Probably the Fat Tire. It was about 6, so I decided to go back to the hostel to play on the net. After that, I went to my room to read for a bit...and fell asleep. At 6:30PM. And woke up...at 8AM the next morning! OOPS! Guess the 2 hours of sleep the night before caught up with me there....but 13.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep? Damn...what the fuck was in that beer? GHB? My ass wasn't sore though, so I was good to go.

My flight for Pittsburgh left at noon, so I just decided to go straight to the airport. Not sure why, but it was worth it. Midway this time, the smaller Chicago airport. Got there at 9. And enjoyed my favourite 3 hours of Chicago.

Right next to my gate, there was a bar (#12) open. I didn't expect them to be serving, but apparently they are allowed to start serving booze at 7AM. 7AM! I got there at 9! I was late!

The bartender chicky, April, was super nice, and loved Canada for some reason. She ID'd every single person that came in, even a couple of 60+ year old guys. She told them it was policy, and she had to ID everyone, blah blah. Only problem is....she never ID'd me. And I was the youngest person in there, besides her. I asked her why after an hour or so, and she said:

"You had a hockey jersey on. I knew you were Canadian. Canadians are trustworthy, kind folk. Okay...I fucking forgot. Take a free beer and shut your damn mouth".

Anyways, in the 3 hours I was there, I met like 10 different cool people. The funniest was this guy Jason, a limo driver, who had missed his flight to Dallas, and had 5 hours to kill till the next one, so he was gettin drunk. He was from the north side (a Cubs fan), and everything "sucked". Grey goose vodka, redheads, the bartenders sandwich, rain, tennis...you name it, it sucked. He was hilarious. Anyone who was sitting at tables, he would invite to sit with us at the bar. And then tell them they sucked. Or their shirt did, or their luggage did. A few of them were southsiders (White Sox fans), and friendly arguments would ensue. Apparently, as a Canadian, Jason thought I should mediate these arguments, since Canada sucks, and is full of sissy peacekeepers. Everytime he'd call Canadians sissies, the bartender chicky April would get mad at him, and demand that he buy me a beer. And he did. I got 5 free beers from Jason, and awesome entertainment for 3 hours. Hell, I almost missed my flight. I actually considered it. But alas, it was time to leave.

Brief summary of Chicago - Cool people, definitely opinionated. Downtown isn't much fun. I didn't go to any of the cool museums, so can't comment on that. Wrigley is something any true sports fan should stand in front of, and pay their respects. The bean was awesome. I'd go back, but only for a sporting event, or with some friends. I don't think I scratched the surface in 1 day, but I wasn't overjoyed by the place. Awesome transit system though...the best I've ever come across, other than London. 5 bucks for 24 hours, and you can go anywhere. And Chicago is gigantic....it stretches from Indiana to Wisconsin.

Flight to Pittsburgh ruled. Southwest is the coolest airline there is. Comfy seats, legroom, no assigned seating, and 3 dollar beers. And a hot girl beside me, who thought my odyssey, and my 8 beer adventure at the airport bar, was "cute". Too bad I didn't think the huge ring on her finger was "cute".


Pittsburgh

Ha, Pittsburgh. The lost city. Why do I say that? Cuz I didn't see any of it.

My default myspace pic is downtown Pittsburgh. Surprised? So was I...that was the view I got coming in from the airport. It was awesome...nicer than any downtown I have seen so far. Too bad I didn't take any time to explore it.

Arrived at my hotel at 2:55PM. Checked in, went to my nice, cushy Doubletree room...on the 19th floor. Killer view. Went back down to the lobby and asked the bellhop if he knew where I could watch the UFC PPV later that night. He told me where, gave me a map, and then told me that a hotel shuttle was taking 2 people to that bar (#13) right now, so I jumped in. I figured I'd see where it was, retrace my steps (since it was close to the hotel), check out the downtown core, go to the hockey game, and then come back for the UFC.

Wrong.

As soon as I get on the shuttle, and talk to the driver, the guy in front on me says "You're Canadian!" I had only said about 6 words so far, and none of them were "about" or "eh", so I was sorta shocked. Turns out he's from Buffalo, drinks Blue, and loves the Jays. Eureka! The closest thing to a canadian I had found all trip. Him and his (hot) girlfriend were goin to the pub to watch the Michigan/Ohio State game (which had completely slipped my mind), so I decided to stay and watch a bit and talk with them. For you uninformed canadians, this was the biggest college football game of the year, and would basically decide the national champion. The bar was packed with people, at 3PM, just to watch this game.

7 blues later (on tap in Pittsburgh!), and the game was over. Ohio State won. And my 2 new friends were coming to the hockey game with me.

Get to the game, trade in my ticket and get 3 together from a scalper, and watch the Penguins beat the Rangers 3-1. Malkin had 2 assists, Crosby 1. Killer game. Great fans too, really supportive. Sid the Kid and Malkin jerseys everywhere. Much more like Denver, where they actually understand hockey. No costume parties. I realize the Pens have a shitty lease deal at the Igloo, but it's actually a pretty cool arena.

Game ends, Buffalo guy and hot girl decide they're too drunk and tired to continue, and return to the hotel. Am I too drunk and tired to continue?

What the fuck do you think?

So I venture back to the bar by myself to watch the UFC. When St Pierre knocked out Matt Hughes, I went APESHIT. I was screaming, yelling, the whole deal. Everyone in there probably thought I was retarded, but I didn't care. A Canadian is the 170 pound champ!

I stagger back to my cushy digs at the doubletree. It's 12:55AM. The hotel bar is open for...5 more minutes. I rush in (bar #14), have 1 in there, and they GIVE me 2 to take to my room. For free. I love these people.

I have to get up at 5:30AM to catch my flight to Boston. I seriously consider skipping the flight and taking the train to NYC. Problem is, I'd have 2 days to kill, somewhere. I consider all the options....Philly, Amish country, Atlantic City...all are places I wanna see. Unfortunately, I probably would have had to spend another 400 bucks to make any of these happen, and eat the cost of the Boston plane ticket and hostel room on top of that I think about this till 3:40AM. And decide to go to Boston. Turned out to be a brilliant decision, although I certainly wasn't thinking that in the morning.

Woke up at 5:30. Ugh. Airport shuttle was a blur. Drank 2 gallons of water. Got on flight to Boston. Tried to sleep on the plane...not a happenin. I got a nice indentation on my face from the tray on the seat in front of me though. So now I was tired, hungover, and indented. And I wonder why I can't pick up women.

Brief summary of Pittsburgh - You tell me. I saw fuck all. Hockey game was awesome, bar was very cool. Drive in and out was nice. Other than that, you're on your own. Go to wikipedia or something.

I definitely wanna come back though. Everything I saw and experienced was 100% positive. People were great.

Bar count - 14 (I went to the Pittsburgh Sports Rock twice, didn't count it as 2 though. I'm generous like that)

# of beers kind americans have bought for me so far - 17 (11 in a 24 hour period!)

# of people who couldn't find the birthdate on my ID without me pointing it out - every single american bartender so far.

Stay tuned for part 4, my favourite city on my trip. Boston.