America, Part 1

Okay, I think I have consumed enough liquor to write part 1 of my epic trek through the land of the free, home of the jack in the box.

GAME ON!

Pre-trip

Twas the night before vacation, and all the thru the bar, the only creature that was stirring, was requesting another ceasaaaaar. It rhymes people, use your damn imagination. Yeah, I went out the night before my trip...with Jamie, Deann, Sonny G, and Drew. Lisa ended up being there too. Twas a good time. Came home, drank more. Bought Morgan a plane ticket from Jackson Hole to Denver, so we could hang out for a couple of days. Well, I didn't really give her much choice (or notice), but it worked out well.

Day 1 - Woke up in the morning, not that hungover, and made my way to the bus station to catch the bus to SeaTac airport. The tone was set for my trip while I was waiting outside the bus station, getting some fresh air. Some guy came out of the station, directly up to me and asked:

"Where's the closest bar?"

I pointed him to the Ivanhoe/Cobalt area across the street, then thought better of it and told him to take the skytrain downtown.

Why is this important?

Cuz I figured that would be me, as soon as I got off every plane/bus/subway/elephant on my trip. Turns out I wasn't far off. Except for the elephant.

The bus was supposed to take 4 hours, 45 minutes. It actually took 6 hours and 30 minutes. In 2 words....it sucked. I hate buses. Oh well, at least I avoided public transit in Seattle. So far so good.

Then I find out my flight to Denver is delayed by 2 hours...and will arrive 10 minutes after the hotel's airport shuttle stops running. Stupid airplanes.

I had 3 hours to kill, so I had a couple drinks in the airport bar (bar # 1), including a bloody mary that was 9.50! No wonder the drink prices weren't on the menu. Bastards.

Board plane to....

Denver

Denver has a massive airport. I finally get out of there, and catch a cab to the hotel. My first question? "Where can I get some beer around here?" Unfortunately, the driver pointed out it was already 1AM, and stores only sell till 1AM. And my hotel's bar closes at 1:30. And the ride takes a half hour. BLAH. Oh well, it was a cool ride. The taxi driver was awesome...he told me lotsa stories bout shitkicking kids that wouldn't pay him, how he was in the army rangers and such. Why is this entertaining? He was 5'1. And I was still scared. Needless to say, I paid my fare.

All 53 dollars of it. Stupid fucking Denver is massive. It was 26 miles to the hotel...and I stayed 9 miles from downtown! If my flight hadn't been delayed, the hotel airport shuttle was....free. Dammit.

To top things off, the bar closed AS I ARRIVED in the hotel. So I went up to my room, watched some TV, and passed out.

Day 2 - Wake up @ 11. Decide to investigate my room, and find...the MINI BAR. Why didn't I look for that the night before, you ask? Cuz I ate a lot of glue as a kid, and don't always use my f'n brain. Good work, fatty. Oh well. Next up, I do what I always do when I wake up somewhere new. I walk 3 blocks in each direction from my hotel, to see what's around. On this walk I found 3 useful things...

1. Liquor store. Open till 11. PM.

2. The hood. Apparently I missed the "Stay out whitey" sign before entering. Oops. Let's just say this cracker wasn't stayin for long.

3. The bus stop, cuz I needed to take the bus downtown sooner or later, since my next 2 nights would be spent down there (Actually, we just took a cab, so this turned out to be pointless...like most of the stuff I do).

Around 1PM, the lobby bar (# 2) opened. I had 2 hours to kill before I had to get on the (free) airport shuttle to go meet Morgan. 4 beers and the 1st half of a college football game later, I was good to go.

Now the rest of day 2 all the way to early day 4 are pretty much like Morgan described in her blog, at this link: http://blog.myspace.com/missmorganelaine

Read it, dammit.

I would like to point out 1 big flaw, and add onto 3 other things.

1. I did NOT dance. I did sing. But I did NOT dance.

Additions -

1. The Ramada hotel bar (bar # 4, bar # 3 was Doubletree hotel sports bar) she's talking about...I ended up staying at THAT hotel the next night. The waitress loved me, and put Coors on special for 2 bucks a bottle, cuz she knew that's what I was drinking the night before. I love denver.

2. I can't even begin to tell you how funny Borat was. It was sooo horribly wrong and politically incorrect (eg. "The running of the Jew"), but it was so beyond hilarious. I've never laughed harder at a movie. GO SEE IT....if you're not easily offended...and if you're not jewish, uzbeki, or scared of testicles.

3. Having Morgan there was awesome....we had a great time. She snores. Yeah, I said it. And if drinking at Chili's counts...that's bar # 5.

*** SIDE NOTE ***

My wacky asian neighbour is shovelling the WHOLE BACK ALLEY. It's 11PM. I'm thinking bout hucking some fortune cookies at him. All the fortunes inside will read:

"Confucius say shoverring bad! terevison good! GO THE FUCK INSIDE JET RI!"

*** SIDE NOTE OVER ***

Day 4 - After Morgan left, I walked across the street to the Ramada, and hung out there all day till the hockey game. The pepsi center is super nice. I just happened to be there the night Patrick Roy got inducted into the hall of fame (and Gargs went to the hall of fame in Toronto that day too, not knowing it was closed becuz of the induction cememony). Anyways, it was super cool to see. The guy sitting beside me with his son didn't know much bout hockey, so I explained the rules, and he bought be 2 beers. Good trade.

I did make the "mistake" of taking off my hoodie in the 2nd period. The guy next to me noticed my canucks jersey, and told the woman next to him. Loud. So pretty much the whole section started to boo me. Pretty badly. It was awesome. I stood up and bowed. They boo'd more. By the way, Edmonton won 2-1, and I was obviously an Oilers fan at that point. For some reason, I wasn't the most popular person in the place.

Next up, went back to the hotel, and drank the 2 dollar beers described above at the hotel bar, cuz Jenni is such a sweet girl. And the only other guy in the place, a salesman from Phoenix stuck in the hotel for a month on a business trip, bought me 2 beers and gave me half his pizza.

Day 5 - Got up in the morning, and took the shuttle to the massive airport. Boarded my flight to Nashville, which will be part 2.

Brief summary of Denver - Great city. Downtown is awesome, and set up very well for tourists. The city is basically flat, which I totally didn't expect. The mountains are far away. I always thought the "mile high air" thing was crap, since I've been to much higher places. It's not. I was totally outta breath walking short distances, especially uphill (shut up bastards, I know I'm fat and out of shape, this was different). Pepsi Center was killer. Denver people love Canadians, and know a lot about it, apparently cuz of the skiing similarities. There was even a Canadian flag in front of the Doubletree (which I saluted both days I was there...I saved the anthem for the NYC subway, ask Jeff).

# of bars so far - 5 (if you count chilis)

# of beers purchased for me by kind americans - 5, plus pizza

That's bout all I got for now.

Don't worry. Part 2 won't be as long. Just so you know, this took 1 hour, 8 minutes, and 2 caesars to write.