Christmas Wish List 2009

I fucking hate this stupid holiday, but I'll get into the spirit this one time and offer the only thing worthwhile anymore - a little bit of advice. Specifically, advice to that rotund red-suited drunk that lives in a land about 11 miles north of Fairbanks. I know this, because I went to his house on Christmas Day once and he wasn't home. Len pissed on his house in retaliation.

Anyway...Santa, you fat bastard, here's how you could handle a few situations for me this year, okay? Some involve simply getting these people a present, some involve you getting off your duff and actually doing something about a situation. Without further ado...


Apple - Make the ipod designers attach something similar to a key tracer to the stupid things. Anyone remember key tracers? Where you clap or whistle, and the beeper thingy goes off and leads you to them? I need this for my ipods. I've gone through four shuffles this year. Four! At least make 'em glow in the dark/glow in the snow or something. Fuck.

Brittany Murphy - Oops. Scratch that one off the list.

Cambie Pub - Make sure they have plenty of shitty beer ready for us when we get there at noon on Christmas day. In addition, can you ask the bouncers to at least be gentle when they 86 us this time? Thanks.

DJ AM - Oops. Scratch that one off the list too.

Ex-girlfriends - Give them all coal.

Filipino lady that was singing along to her ipod at 6am this morning on the bus - Give her a swift kick in the babymaker and a right cross to the jaw. Please. No one wants to hear the "soothing" sounds of a howling cat that just stepped on a nail. At 6am. Because that's what she sounded like.

Georges St Pierre - Give him whatever he needs to so he can gain a little more weight and move up to middleweight. Believe me Santa, when he defeats Anderson Silva, you won't even need to stop in Canada next year. You'll have already given the entire country the best present EVER.

Hell -Santa, I don't know if this is in your power or not....but could you save me a nice, fiery seat down there? It's pretty obvious that all the retard/racist/sexist/filthy Jew jokes are going to catch up to me at some point.

Iceland - Just give the people of this fine country a little advice. Tell all the guys there that the rest of the world doesn't give a shit about Fall Out Boy or A-ha anymore, so you can all stop dressing like a member of those shitty bands. And for the ladies...tell them to keep being blonde and perfect. Seriously. You're all gorgeous. I love you.

Jess - I'm gonna need you to stop him from going anywhere new. Flying to Florida? Bird in the engine. Driving to North Carolina? Armed robbery around Atlantic City or so. Ferry to Nova Scotia? Sink that motherfucker, it's full of people who pay for their clothing and beer in cod anyway. In other words, don't let him wander. And try to keep his cousin's ego in check too. That one will be a lot tougher, I understand that..so Jess and I will do our best to help you out.

Kings - I know this is a tough one, but hear me out. Could you just find some way to enforce the laws of probability a little better when I play poker? When I pick up pocket kings, I'm supposed to win the majority of the hands I play with it. An ace isn't supposed to hit the flop every god damn time. I'm not supposed to be losing a shitload of cash with a hand this good. Fat guy to fat guy Santa, for reals...make this happen.

Luxembourg - You don't have to give the people of this fine country anything specific. I just threw it in here to make sure Jess knows that I'm going to Luxembourg and he's never gonna make it there! I win!

Miley Cyrus - Make her turn 18 faster so I can stop feeling so guilty every time I watch her videos on youtube. Over and over. And over. At least she's not Jojo, right guys? RIGHT?

NHL - Do everyone a favor and get Gary Bettman fired (and killed by something nasty, like scurvy!) so the league can stop moving backwards. Seriously Santa, you must have some appreciation for hockey, you live in the fucking cold. Does hockey belong in Phoenix? No. This one is high-priority, close in importance to the letter P one below.

Old Milwaukee - Give the makers of this delicious nectar whatever they ask for, because they are some of the greatest people in the world. They bring so many others so much joy. Even if they're asking for unethical stuff (immigrant children to chain up in their basement, the extermination of all Coors employees, etc), GIVE IT TO THEM.

Portugal - Nice and simple - a first-round exit from the World Cup. Highest priority.

Quinton Jackson - Just explain to Rampage that he's not an actor, he's a fighter, and all the whining in the world isn't going to make him an actor. Pick him up, carry him to the fucking cage, and let him humble Rashad Evans so I don't have to fucking hear from either of them anymore.

Roger Goodell - Pull his head out of his ass for him. And give him a sense of humor. The possession rules on catching a football shouldn't be more detailed than an Al-Queda plot to blow up a train station. Fining every guy that shows an ounce of personality is retarded. Pretend you're Chris Henry's fiancee, and throw Roger off a truck. Simple as that.

Ooh, that one was cold.

Sami Salo - Invent some sort of hybrid bubble that Sami can play in so he doesn't get hurt every 3 games. I'd say the same for Pavol Demitra, but he'd probably complain about the bubble not having Marian Gaborik in it, so he'd end up going home anyway.

Toronto - Separation. Banish the city from Canada. Banish the Leafs from my television. Before this though, make all the goofs that left the shithole for better weather and nicer people GO BACK so we don't have to hear about what a great place it is. If it's so fucking great, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Uneducated debtors - Keep them believing their package will actually get there soon. And thank them for being deadbeats, because without these retards to find, I couldn't travel the world! You're dumb and I love you!

Village of Jasper - Wipe out every dingo-fucking Aussie that works there. Dude, they don't even know the 3 brands of Canadian beer they sell in their bars, and they're working...in Canada. Feed them to the moose, bury em in the snow, I don't care. Just make them gone.

Washington Redskins - Somehow, could you make the team hand the playcalling duties back to Jim Zorn? That "fake" field goal attempt last night was the ugliest football play I've ever seen. Ever. You guys are worse than the Lions and the Raiders COMBINED sometimes (that last comment was specifically aimed at Adam and Milo).

X - You think you could just get rid of this letter? It's fucking useless and pretty much grinds any alphabetical list to a halt.

Yellowknife - Prepare these people for the shitshow that awaits them when Len and I eventually make it there. And can you get Ice Road Truckers canceled? These tards don't deserve groupies, they're fucking truckers!

Zoos, specifically the Wellington Zoo - Make sure that animals don't stand up people who pay good money to come hang out with them. Stupid giraffe. You know what you can get him for me, Santa? A housing enclosure that's 2 feet shorter than he is. Then he'll know how I feel when I sit in the back seat of a car. Stupid giraffe.


Okay, that's enough venom for one Christmas. See y'all next year.