Tim and Milo Invade Mexico City, Part 1

We've been back for almost 2 weeks now, so I think it's about time I get my ass in gear and start writing about this shit. For those of you that just clicked on the snappy title and don't know what you're getting into, I'm going to warn you right now - this isn't going to be very mature. Most of our stories involve stupidity on at least one of our parts (usually both), and there's not going to be a lot of class involved here. This should go without saying for anyone that knows us, but I'm just letting you strangers know. We're dumb. But we're funny!

Okay, with that outta the way...here we go.


...the story fades into a scene where two goofy-looking, half-drunk gringos are riding in the back of a nice taxi. The taxi is surrounded by other shitty red and yellow taxis, buses of all sizes and shapes (most missing doors), and the sounds, smells, and sights of the 3rd biggest city in the world at midnight...

*HONKHONKHONK*

"Traffic's crazy here, eh? What's with the honking?"
"I dunno dude. We can't exactly ask the cab driver. Hola!"
"Sweet, we're moving. Hopefully we should..."
"Should what?"
"Dude...is that...a body?"
"...."
"....dude..."
"Holy shit. That's a fucking dead body."
"Oh...whoa. Holy fuck. Whoa."
"We've been here 10 minutes and we've already seen a fucking body? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE TIM! WHAT THE FUCK!"
"This was all your idea."
"My idea?!? You...what the...fuck you!"
"Welcome to Mexico City!"

Let's back it up a bit for a second, and explain how we ended up here. Milo called me up one day and demanded to go "backpacking" somewhere. He's demanding when he drinks, you just get used to it. Eventually, after working our way through planning a trip in some incredibly dangerous South American countries (notably Venezuela and Colombia), we decided on Ecuador. We only had 10 days, and it was a small enough country that we could cover a fair amount. It was exotic, cheap, and a fairly inexpensive flight.

Well, it was...till the flight price basically doubled overnight. Fuck.

So, all that planning went out the window. After some more nerdy net research (I'm good at it, leave me alone), I found a flight to Mexico City for 500 bucks. A steal of a deal. After showing Milo some of the cool shit there, he was down. He didn't seem concerned about the city's reputation at the time. Namely - crime, violence, and corruption. If he was down, there was no way I was gonna puss out...so Mexico City it was.

AFTER we booked the fight, Milo finally decided to do some internet research. And got very, very scurred. He'll deny it in the comments of this thing of course, because he's an internet tough guy, but it's true. He almost cried. It was pretty pathetic. I laughed at his tears, until I started reading...then I got scurred too. And others laughed at my tears.

Screw all this drug violence crap you see on the news, that's not a big thing in Mexico City. A drug war? They don't need no fucking drug war! The sun coming up there is a good enough excuse to rob, rape, and kill people left and right. It's just part of their charm. But the police will protect you, right Tim? Nyet, they're corrupt. But you can just take taxis between places to stay safe, right Tim? Wrongo, those fuckers wills robs yous like the refs robbed England in the World Cup. But, at least the food's great, right Tim? False, the bacteria in the food and water will make you more nervous and sick than Len Edwards on Father's Day.

So with all that lovely shit firmly planted in our little brains, we set off on our "adventure". Sure sounds like a fun destination so far, don't it!!

...we'll pick up the scene just after our two fearless world travelers have arrived at their hotel, shaken by the sight of a lifeless corpse on the street minutes after their arrival in the city...

"That's it? We're checked in?"
"Guess so."
"They didn't ask for our ID's? Or cash? Or a credit card?"
"Nope. Weird, eh?"
"Yeah. Okay, I guess we're set. Now we need food and beer, stat. Excuse me sir, where could we get food and beer?"
"Senor, there is a 7-11 across the street. And there's a taco stand just to the left."
"Sweeeeet."
"Wait...we're going outside? Past the padlocked door with the guard attending it? At 1am? Seriously?"
"Tim. There's beer out there. You need beer."
"Right. We can do this. Eyes on the prize, EYES ON THE PRIZE!"


We dropped our bags off in our room, and opened the patio doors. Sure enough, directly below us was a 7-11, and there was a taco stand across the street with a few people milling about. Other than those people, there we no one else out on the surprisingly clean streets. The ever-present sound of honking street taxis were the only noises emanating from the night. It seemed normal enough.

...5 minutes later, the scene picks up with two confused gringos standing in front of a gigantic hunk of mystery meat on a vertical stick, with what looked like a welding flame blowing up on it from below and enveloping the lower half of it. Next to it, a huge grill is set up facing the sidewalk, where a typically short Mexican man is working his magic with fresh (?) ingredients, butcher knives and a spatula...

"This is a trip dude."
"Fuck yeah man, this is nuts. It's just right here on the street. Like, ON the street. What the hell is that meat?"
"Dude, I have no idea. I'm more concerned with what we should order right now. I have no idea how to order anything!"
"Obviously I don't either. *staring at the menu* Uhhh...pollo means chicken. That's about all I can help with."
"Thanks, fatty. What the hell do we do? Just point at something on the menu?"
"Dude, I dunno. This was your idea. Street food 10 minutes after arrival wasn't exactly on my Mexico City to-do list! That's why I bought sandwiches at the 7-11!"
"Whoa...whatever he's making right now looks pretty fuckin' good dude."
"Wow, it really does. This cook's a magician."
"Maybe we should just get what that guy's getting."
"That's the best idea you've had all day Milo. Certainly better than trying to invite the little LA guy from the plane back to the hotel with us!"
"Fuck off, I know...that was a bad move. At least we ditched him at customs."
"I still can't believe they spoke English at customs. Fuck it, okay, we'll get what he's getting."
"It's gonna be awesome dude!"

It WAS awesome, and a great call by Milo. It was some sort of quesadilla with ham and egg and cheese in it, and it was fucking delicious. We got 3 huge ones each for 48 pesos, which is 4 bucks. We forgot to buy water, but there was a tap next to the ice machine on our floor that said "purida water"...so we risked it. Between that, a bunch of pepto bismol pills, and some 7-11 beers that Milo deemed "not alcoholic enough" because it was only 3.6%, we chilled as happy gringos on our first night in the belly of the beast.

...and the scene fades into a fuzzy view of an overdressed fat guy and an obvious tourist wearing shorts and a t-shirt standing on a street corner in the bright smoggy morning, stunned by their surroundings...

"Holy shit dude, there's cops everywhere!"
"I know, I've never seen anything like this...ever. How many are on that corner? 5?"
"I count 7. What the hell man! This is insane! And there's a bunch right over there!"
"I'm not sure whether to feel comforted or scared. Which way's the Zocalo?"
"I think it's up that way...where there's more cops."
"Makes sense. The streets are actually pretty clean, eh?"
"Yeah, and look at the women. Mexican bitches are hot!"
"All class Milo...all class. Hey, did you notice you're the only one wearing shorts?"
"I am?"
"Yeah dude. People dress pretty conservatively here. Pants and nice shirts. You're just a mark for robbers dressed like that."
"I was wondering why you were wearing such a stupid shirt."
"I hope you get robbed right now, asshole."
"You're funny Timmy. Reeeeeal funny."
"Is that the Zocalo?"
"Sure looks like it dude. I see all the FIFA stuff. Can you hear that?"
"Yea, it sounds like a very excited soccer announcer."
"Whoa dude, this is outta hand."
"I know man, I know. This place is gigantic."
"Let's watch some of the game."
"The Mexican announcer is way better. More energy."
"I agree. The vuvuzelas are 100 times as loud in this stupid square though. This is gonna drive me fucking bonkers."

Quick geography lesson - The Zocalo, or The Plaza de la Constitución, is where the Fan Fest took place. It's 10 acres in size. Yeah. That massive cathedral behind the screen is called the Metropolitan Cathedral. I'll get back to it's wackiness later. The left side and bottom, where the pic was taken from, is all federal administrative buildings. The right side is the presidential palace. All the buildings are over 220 years old.

After taking in two games there, we spent most of the rest of the day walking around the Centro Historico. We discovered a whole shitload of people going about their day, in a pretty clean downtown area with a lot of pedestrian-only streets. Taxis were absolutely everywhere, making a racket. And cops. Lots and lots of cops. So many that we never felt remotely unsafe that day, or any other day that we hung out in the Centro. After sampling a few touristy bars, it started to get late in the afternoon, so we decided to walk down to the Alameda, which is a big park to the west of our hotel that people hang out in.

On our trip over there, one thing stood out...we both noticed that there were some weird people around. One was a dude from New Orleans that tried to sell us weed. We blew him off pretty quickly, but he'd reappear many times. Other than that, it was more of a vibe.


...the scene fades in right as your two clearly troubled travelers arrive in Alameda Park, confused by their surroundings...

"Dude, did you see all the rainbow flags back there? There was one hanging from a window in our hotel too."
"Rainbow flags? Is that what they are? How do you know that anyway?"
"Fuck off, I spent a summer refitting the Dufferin when I was working construction. You learn some stuff."
"Wait, YOU LEARN SOME STUFF?"
"Not like that you asshole. You didn't notice anything...different...on the way over here?"
"Well, I noticed the dance club with the shirtless dudes hanging off the balcony. They were kinda hard to miss. And now that you mention it, I think I saw some dudes holding hands. The girls do that here, but that's a friendly thing...I just figured the guys do it too?"
"You wanna hold hands Timmy?"
"Fuck off and die Milo."
"Seriously though, look over there...are those dudes kissing? What the fuck!"
"Yeah, thanks for pointing that out. Really, thanks for that. I need more pepto pills now."
"Whoa dude look at THAT transvestigation! Is it on stilts? IT'S ON STILTS! HAHA!"
"Wow. I have no words. That's...wow."
"Let's go sit on over there and just watch this craziness!"
"Uh, okay. *walk over to a bench* Uh, Rob...ROB. Look at that creepstar."
"HOLLLEEE SHIT that's nuts dude! NUTS!"
"Literally. Eww."
"I think it's time we get outta here. I thought you said the gay area was far away from here!"
"It is man! The Zona Rosa is like 3km from here! I don't get it! There's nothing in the guidebook about THIS!!"

I'm gonna go on record right now and say that neither of us have any particular problem with gay people. They're just like any other people, no big deal. I think we were just shocked because we didn't expect it to be so...blatant. The walk back was even more full-on. We were surrounded by gay dudes in various states of undress, partying the night away. It was right then that the light bulb came on for both of us when a tranny dressed as a vampire walked by...

"Milo, you think this is the way it always is here? Or did we show up for some festival or something?"
"Dude, it looks like Davie on Pride weekend..."
"Oh shit."
"HOLY SHIT DUDE! You fucking booked our trip to Mexico City on their Gay Pride weekend parade type shit didn't you? HAHAHAHA!"
"Oh no. Oh fuck."
"HAHAHA FAG!"
"Fuck! Never tell anyone of this!"
"Yeah right dude! I'm updating my facebook status as soon as we get back and telling everyone all about it!"
"I hate you. I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW!!!"

Sure enough, get back to the hotel and look on the net...yup. Gay Pride weekend. Gigantic parade down the Reforma. Big party all day. Well at least it made sense now. Dammit.

"Dude! I DIDN'T KNOW!"
"Suuure you didn't know. Sure. Suuuuure."
"Die Milo. Die."
"HAHA Timmy. You're a fucking dipshit. That's too funny. Fuck, what an idiot."
"Well, I might as well just fucking post it on facebook too. Fuck."
"Hey Timmy..."
"What?"
"You wanna hold hands?"
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD MILO. YOU HEAR ME? DEAD!"