Tim's Long Weekend

Wednesday

7:56pm - Fireball Kid gets choked out by Kenny Florian. Depression sets in. Mainlining Keystone Lights eases the pain. Slightly.
11:56pm - I finally realize I have to work the next day, and mainlining Keystone Lights is a dumb idea. This realization doesn't stop me from drinking 3 more before I pass out.

Thursday

6:01am - Fuck you, alarm clock.
6:38am - I wake up on the bus, unsure of how I got there. It takes a few seconds, but I finally remember. For some reason I feel like vocalizing my epiphany, so I say "OHHHH" out loud. Everyone sitting around me looks at me in confusion. This won't be the last time this happens this weekend.
9:45am - Hating life.
11:15am - Talk to Milo, and agree to meet him at the Cambie later in the day. I tell my boss this, and he just says "The Cambie? Oh no."
3:30pm - Arrive. Milo shows up. Chaos reigns.
4:35pm - Lisa shows up, and is shocked at how drunk we are already. She then starts in with her regular Cambie song and dance - "I'm NOT drinking the cheap beer today. I AM NOT. Can I get a vodka soda please?"
4:43pm - Vodka's gone. And she switches to beer. Couldn't see that one coming.
5:15pm - Milo gets up to go to the bathroom, but stops next to the Asian girls at the end of our table and just holds out his fist to them for a fist bump. They don't acknowledge his presence at first, but Milo's nothing if not patient, so he just stands there with his arm out.
5:16pm - He's still doing it. The awkward scale is off the charts. Lisa is laughing so hard so she almost falls off the bench she's sitting on.
5:17pm - Finally, they acknowledge him just so he'll go away. Milo counts this as a victory.
5:46pm - Milo busts my pint glass with his fork. And laughs.
5:47pm - Somehow, we haven't been removed from the pub yet.
7:01pm - We're now at another pub called The Press Box. I have no idea how we got there. But Jeff and Len are there, so it's bound to be entertaining.
7:55pm - They go to the Muse concert, and I go home. Oh yeah, didn't I tell you that they all actually had a PURPOSE for going downtown? And I just came down to stuff beer in my face?
8:15pm - I call an audible to the cabbie and he drops me off at the OT. By myself.
8:30pm - I'm sitting in the corner of the pub, by myself, drinking beer and listening to my ipod. And screaming at the TV every time Luongo lets in another shitty goal. The other 6 people in the pub are all staring at me, and I think they're scared. I'm completely clueless though, so I just yell "DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT??" at them. Everyone looks away immediately.
8:45pm - The waitress politely tells me to shut the fuck up. I figure this is probably the right time to leave.
8:47pm - I decide I'm gonna walk the 3km home, because I'm cool like that. Falling down in a parking lot helps me to change my mind.
8:48pm - I just start waving down random cars for a ride. Shockingly, no one stops.
8:51pm - Even more shockingly, one of the random cars eventually turns out to be a cab, and he stops. I yell "YESSSSSS!" Like I just won the Super Bowl or something.

Friday

1:31pm - The phone wakes me up. I guess I fell asleep fully clothed. Again. At least I took my shoes off this time.
1:32pm - I realize that there are two full vodka sodas on my computer desk. Why two? Why vodka? No idea.
1:33pm - Well, there's no reason for them to go to waste, so...
1:36pm - Hammered again.
1:50pm - Milo calls me and says we're going to Langley. All that rings through my head was Lisa's favourite saying: "Nothing good ever happens when you go to Langley!"
3:30pm - Start at the Waterstone. Milo leaves his headlights on.
4:35pm - On the way to Donald's, we drive by the West Country Inn. I start screaming at Milo that we HAVE to go in there for a beer. He just shakes his head and laughs.
4:45pm - We're drinkin in the West Country! Milo sends everyone he knows in Langley the same text: "Me and Tim were driving by and a hurricane blew us into the West Country! Come on down!"
4:47pm - Milo says to me "Do you think I left my headlights on again? I think I did. Ah, fuck it."
4:51pm - Shaun Vadasz responds to Rob's text with "Hope you guys are enjoying the cigarette butt in the pint special!" Yes, the West Country is a classy, classy establishment.
5:02pm - Donald walks in and says to Rob "Dude, you left your headlights on." I laugh. A lot.
6:45pm - Len, Jeff, Kilby and Mike show up. Business is about to pick up.
7:05pm - York shows up too. It's like the perfect storm of Langley beer drinkers now.
8:23pm - Someone pukes on the carpet near the bathroom.
9:46pm - For some reason, Len and I are sitting at the bar, while York is ordering shots he calls "The York". As soon as I see it I take off running, and make Donald come over and do the shot instead. Yes, I'm a pansy.
10:38pm - Baselines. Len orders a beer, and somehow convinces the waitress that it was his birthday, so she brings him a muff diver shot.
10:41pm - I make a joke about something or other, and Len decides to shake up his bottle of MGD and hose me down with it like it's fucking New Years or something.
10:42pm - He pours the remaining beer all over Milo.
10:45pm - Milo has stewed for 3 minutes now, so it's time to put on his hero pants. He grabs all the whip cream out of the muff diver shot, and gives Len the most epic whip cream pimpslap of all time. If someone was filming this, it would have 2 million hits on youtube by next thursday. It was unbelievably awesome. I swear that every single person in the pub yelled "DAAAAAMN" at the same time.
10:46pm - Len tackles Milo through some tables. Aaaand we've been thrown out of the pub before me and Kilby have even taken a sip of our beers.
11:10pm - The Rendez-Vous. Milo and I walk in, and Len is already playing pool with some guy. And showing him his belly for some reason. Yeah.
11:17pm - We discover that Tracy's in the pub. She immediately offers us a place to stay, because she knows we're retards and we still hadn't figured out where we going to sleep yet.
11:55pm - Lainie tries to hug Donald, and somehow they knock over a bunch of tables. The only table (and beer) remaining standing is mine. This makes me happy.
11:56pm - Milo walks over and says "What the hell happened?" And then stumbles over something and knocks my table (and beer) over. I'm laughing too hard to be unhappy.
11:58pm - There's still some beer left in the pitcher, and Len's sweater is right beside me. I yell out his name and he looks over...and I hold up his sweater and pour the rest of the beer all over it. He just laughs.

Saturday

12:05am - Tracy convinces me to do a shot of Crown Royal and Banana something. I like neither, but Tracy's cool (and she bought it for me) so I did it anyway. I'm easily convinced, I guess.
12:11am - Tracy calls Craig to come get all of us.
12:20am - I start talking to people and forget that it's Craig coming to get us. I get pushed into a car that I somehow thought was a cab, so I'm yelling out the window "TRACY, WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS? I HAVE TO TELL THE CABBIE WHERE WE'RE GOING!" Craig turns around and says "Dude, I live there, I know where I'm going." I STILL don't clue in and was about to say "Why does a cab driver live with Craig and Tracy?" Luckily I was too busy getting laughed at by everyone to get the chance.
12:31am - Craig, always the generous host, gives me a beer and says to help myself to the rest in the fridge. Ruh roh.
12:40am - Dayton starts telling me and Milo stories. We're in tears laughing pretty much immediately, because he's a funny dude.
12:55am - Vadasz and me start doing shots of whiskey or something. No clue why.
1:33am - There's no beer left in the house fridge, which is very disappointing. I go out to their garage with Tracy while's she's smoking and tell her this. She says "Dude, look behind you." I do just that...and there's a fridge full of beer. I cry tears of joy and turn into a hoarder immediately, filling my pockets with cans. She just laughs at me, because she's cool like that.
3-something am - Nap time.
10:15am - Tracy wakes up and sits and talks with me and Milo. I realize there's a litany of cans in front of me on the table. Weird.
10:22am - Tracy goes to pour out all the half-drank beers. I yell NOOOO and ask her to bring one back. She asks me why I would want to drink a warm, flat beer. I tell her that they didn't exactly taste fruity and delicious before anyway, because they're beers, so warm and flat beer really isn't that much worse than regular beer. She's disgusted with my shitty attempt at logic, but she gives the can back. Milo just laughs at me and says "Timmy, you're gross."
10:25am - Milo asks Tracy why the picture on her wall is so fucked up. She explains to him that it's not a picture, it's a mirror. He doesn't believe her for some reason, so she makes him stand up and look at his own reflection. All he can say is "Oh." And he sits back down. It took precisely 3 minutes for everyone to forget about my little beer episode. Thanks, Milo.
11:15am - We're headed back to the Rendez-Vous for breakfast.
11:47am - I regale the table with my many stories of stupidity and hurting myself, and they seem fairly amused.
11:49am - Someone who shall remain nameless for fear of recrimination (his name rhymes with Ben Deadwards) says "Holy shit, I beat up someone outside last night for not speaking english."
11:50am - After we all stop laughing at the absurdity of that statement, we are told the story. It's even more absurd than the initial statement, but he had a witness and it did really happen. Welcome to Langley.
11:55am - The story is retold to someone else, but certain parts are changed just for fun. The person that was beat up is now Australian, and tried to speak his version of English, but no-name didn't understand what "G'Day, Mate!" meant so he beat the tar out of him.
11:58am - Every time I take a sip of my pint I say "Thanks Milo" and try to cheers him, because I only have 39 cents on me. He thinks I'm kidding. Len doesn't have any money either, so I'm trying to convince him to order pints on Rob's tab too. He's nicer than me apparently (you know, other than tackling him through a table the night before and kicking the shit out of an Australian), so he declines.
12:45pm - The bill comes. I hand it to Milo. He finally realizes that I'm not kidding.
12:49pm - Milo finally stops swearing at me.
1:45pm - Milo and I are sitting at Len's house for some reason. I'm demanding beer from everyone around me, and everyone's ignoring me. Big surprise.
1:52pm - Milo shamelessly hit on a chick that had a moustache at Taco Del Mar. I didn't realize something could be horrifying and hilarious at the same time, but that was.
2:11pm - I make it out of Langley alive. I'm as surprised as you are.
2:31pm - I crawl into my own bed, having been totally defeated by the chaos and insanity of Langley.
2:52pm - Lisa calls me and tells me we're going to the pub. Jesus fuck, it never ends. NEVER!
5:15pm - Our pregnant waitress brings us a jug of beer in Samz...but not Samz. I had no idea there were two Samz pubs. We were at the other one, in Poco.
7:10pm - Juhl shows up. We start making fun of each other .2037 seconds after he sits down.
7:32pm - Aaron and Nicole show up. Aaron immediately starts teasing Lisa about not being able to throw a softball well. Lisa wants to fight back, but she knows it's true so she just takes it.
8:11pm - Aaron sets his phone alarm for 10:50pm, so he won't forget to go to the beer store before it closes. I'm extremely impressed with this thinking ahead stuff.
9:05pm - We give Lisa the nickname "Sure Thing". She's not as impressed with it as me, Mike and Aaron are.
10:08pm - Two random girls just sit down at our table and ask us for beer. One looked like the star of a deleted scene from The Goonies, and the other looked like one of the dudes from the Columbine school shootings. I think you can guess how we responded to their beer request.
10:11pm - The chicks are going from table to table, and we're watching with morbid fascination.
10:25pm - They've finally settled down at the table next to us with 2 guys who are clearly not into it but seem to be too nice to tell them to hit the bricks. One gets up and goes to the bathroom and we all start yelling "RUUUUUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAAAAN!" as he walks by. He thinks it's pretty funny. Goonie and Klebold? Not so much.
10:45pm - Aaron and Lisa head off to the beer store, even before his alarm went off. I told you, he's the man.
10:52pm - Aaron comes back and starts ordering scotch. Game on.
11:55pm - We all head out. Aaron and Nicole live up the street, so we walk/stumble over there while Juhl wisely goes home to his family.
11:57pm - Lisa starts demanding pizza.

Sunday

12:04am - Lisa's still demanding pizza.
12:15am - Aaron decides that me and him should go get pizza for Lisa and Nicole. There are 2 close pizza places, but the cops were in front of one of them and we're gassed, so we chose the other one.
12:23am - Aaron stops two people walking back from the pizza place and tries to buy their pizza off of them so we didn't have to walk any further. I'm laughing so hard that I fall down.
12:28am - I decide that it's probably not a good idea to walk into the pizza place with a Pilsner in my hand, so I leave it on a ledge across the street to grab on the way back.
12:33am - We get to the pizza place, but we're completely useless. The guy behind the counter has to hand Aaron and me the menu, open it up for us, flip it over for us when we weren't reading the right thing, and pick all the ingredients on our pizzas. We just laughed, then went outside to drink the extra beers Aaron had in his pockets. He's like a beer boyscout...always prepared.
12:48am - We get our pizzas from the guy who obviously hates us, and leave. Right next door to the place is a 7/11, and what seemed like a homeless guy rode up on an old-ass bike and went inside.
12:49am - For some reason I say "We need to steal that guy's bike." Aaron agrees immediately.
12:50am - I say "Okay, you go steal the bike, and I'll meet you at the Pilsner". I'm pretty sure no one has ever used that sentence before me...ever.
12:51am - I walk across the street, and Aaron rides by me on the newly stolen 50 year old bike, laughing. I once again fall down from laughter, pizza and all, in the middle of a street. I look back, and the guy's just leering at us through the 7/11 window, not doing anything. Just staring in shock.
12:55am - We're unable to talk to each other because we can't stop laughing.
12:56am - We leave the bike in a bush up the street (and somewhere where the guy could obviously see where it was) and attempted to run away. But we're laughing so hard we're not covering much ground.
1:01am - We've spent the rest of the time walking back to his place alternating between laughing, and trying to find some shred of logic in stealing some dude's bike. Aaron's logic won out: "Did you see that guy? He had to be homeless. He probably stole that thing from somebody else like 20 minutes before we stole it from him."
1:08am - We get back to their place. We're completely unable to tell Nicole and Lisa what happened because we can't stop laughing.
1:12am - We finally manage to tell our story, and now we have two girls with very disappointed looks on their faces standing in front of us. Amazingly, they don't find it as funny as we do. In fact, they think that we're completely retarded. And they're completely right.
1:13am - We counter that logic with "But, we went and got you pizza!"
1:35am - Nicole shows me the spare bedroom and says I can sleep in there, because Lisa's already on the couch. Aaron wasn't having any of that though, so he just dragged her onto the floor. And tried to do a headstand on her. And I stole the couch. Yeah, I have no idea why.
2:02am - Aaron had gone into his room to pass out, but he ended up coming back out and passed out in a chair. Lisa's passed out on the floor. I'm beached on the couch. There are beds all over the place, so why are we all passed out in the living room? Who knows.
8:25am - I wake up, and Lisa's twitching on the floor and making noises. This happens to my dog all the time when he's sleeping, and I'm pretty sure he's just having a nightmare, so I usually just wake him up and he's fine. This clearly looked like the same thing, so I kicked her and woke her up. And said "You were having a nightmare." Her response? "FUCK YOU!".
8:45am - After Nicole got up and me and Lisa were somewhat awake and alert, I tried to explain the dog/nightmare/kicking thing to Lisa in more detail. Her response? "FUCK YOU!".
9:32am - We begin the trek back to the bar where Lisa's car was parked. I reminded her of the the new "Sure Thing" nickname that we gave her. I think you can guess her response.
10:04am - Home. Finally. Never doing this again. Yeah, sure I'm not.