Jasper, in Timeline form!

Tuesday, Dec 23rd

1:25pm - Starting drinking beer at work. Bullshit about sports and stuff.
2:15pm - A prank Len and I pull on Carla goes sideways. Carla's not happy. It's still funny.
3:50pm - Meet Len at the old Scruffys. Order a beer. Call Carla. She's still not happy, and isn't meeting up with us now. We are highly amused.
6:25pm - Depart Scruffs after 5th beer there, go next door and buy train liquor.
7:10pm - Arrive at The Ivanhoe. Start consuming more beers with homeless-like people.
7:50pm - Leave Ivanhoe after 3 beers. I'm a case deep, Len's not far behind. And we haven't even left yet. Gnarly.
8:05pm - Wait in line for train. Len goes to Mickey D's. I order 3 filet-o-fishes, for some reason.
8:15pm - Train is boarding. I have consumed all 3 filets. I am unsure if this is safe. I can barely move. Len is laughing at me.
8:30pm - The train is supposed to depart. It doesn't. We go immediately to the drinking/snack area, where I am the first in line for beers. This is good.
8:32pm - The lineup is now out the door. I hand Len a beer, and he immediately gets in line while we make fun of each other and things in general. People are amused. I am basking in the glow of attention.
8:55pm - We have 4 empty cups at our table, and Len is in line again. The train still hasn't left. We are still entertaining. People love us.
9:30pm - We have 8 empty cups in front of us. The train still hasn't left. The drink salesman says he's closing at 10. We nearly riot. Drink guy isn't amused.
10:20pm - There are 6 people left in the drinking cart. The train finally leaves. We are out of liquor.
10:21pm - I remember that I brought booze with me. All is well in the world.


Wednesday, Dec 24th. Christmas Eve.

12:50am - The 6 of us have gone through all my vodka energy drinks, and a 1 liter bottle of Len's Vex. I tease Len about said "girly" Vex. I will eat my words later.
1:05am - Len goes back to his seat to pass out. Kid from Edmonton has brought out huge ipod speaker and we listen to loud music. Train attendant with curly hair (who I lovingly dub "Fuzzy Head") isn't amused. She tells us to keep it down. We laugh.
1:10am - Tim remembers he bought bottle of Carolans, and goes to get it. Tim is a hero to remaining crew.
1:20am - Carolans is gone. Tim convinces Australian girl to break into the drink/snack shop because she's tiny and can probably squeeze through. Midway into said squeeze, she is busted by Fuzzy Head. Fuzzy Head is angry, and wants us all to leave the drinking cart immediately. We refuse, and laugh at her. She storms off. We laugh heartily.
3:15am - Everyone finally disperses. Aussie girl is sitting in front of us, and is still talkative. I happily oblige, cuz she's cute. And I'm drunk.
3:16am - I remember Len still has a liter bottle of Vex left. I shake him awake and ask for it. He says no. I am shocked. Len reminds me about bugging him earlier. I apologize. This gets me nowhere. Len holds out for 2 or 3 more minutes, then finally coughs up the bottle. I am elated.
3:25am - The bottle is gone. Aussie girl is pretty drunk. I am too. We are unable to stay awake. This sucks.
4:15am - I'm woken up by lady across from me. The following conversation ensues:

Lady: "Can you tell your friend to turn his music down?"
Me: *shaking Len awake again* "Hey, hey...this lady here wants you to turn your music down."
Len: "Really? Well, tell her to quit fucking bitching!"
Lady: "EXCUSE ME?"
Tim, not sober enough to come up with anything wittier: "Uhh...he didn't mean that."
Lady: *Stare of Death*

Every 20 minutes until 8am: I wake up in pain due to uncomfortable sleeping arrangements. Len's music is super loud the whole time. I find this hilarious.
8:00am: Len goes for breakfast. He is forced to share a table with a couple who are done eating, yet sit there the whole time and stare at Len while he's eating. He's kinda freaked out. He refers to them as his "Breakfast Buddies".
8am-11am - I impatiently wait for the snack/drink store to re-open so I can continue drinking, while being surprisingly unhungover. Len watches his Lost DVDs in the drinking car, the only place on the entire train where you can plug stuff in. A guy sitting across from Len offers me some Crown when I go to talk to Len. I decline, more out of fear than anything. The scenery going by is amazing...frozen rivers, crazy mountain peaks...awesome stuff.
11am - I practically run to the drink store, to find this sign: "Out eating lunch, back at 11:30". My swearing is heard across the train, and the valley.
11:31am - Labatts Blue has made me whole again.
11:31am-2:45pm - Many beers are consumed. Creepy guy with the Crown is trying to convince kids to watch "The Aristocats" on his laptop, while hugging up on some girl he's fed a ton of Crown to. Len is more drunk than he should be. He finally admits his ginger ale is half full of rum, that he acquired from Crown guy.
2:55pm - A French Canadian guy announces over the speakers that "Ve are passing Mount Robson, ze highest mountain in ze Canadian Rockets". Yes, he actually said Canadian Rockets.
3:45pm - We are allowed one more beer each from the drink store before we're cut off. We have a litany of empty cups in front of us. Creepy guy tells us he put two sleeping pills in drunk girls drink, so she "doesn't go anywhere" when he's searching Jasper for coke. And I don't mean coca-cola.
4:15pm - Drunk girl is passed the fuck out in the corner. It's very odd.
5:15pm - Arrival in Jasper. We walk the few blocks to our hotel. It's not that cold out, probably -15 or so. We might just be warm cuz of all the booze, who knows. Snow-covered mountains all around us. Definitely a cool location.
5:45pm - To the pub for food/beer. They sell Pilsner by the bottle. This is a very good start. Len orders a burger with elk, bison, and deer in it. Seriously. I order the biggest chicken burger of all time. We consume so much food we can't even finish our beers. That's a lot of food.
6:45pm - Back at the hotel. Hangovers kicking in. I pass out, Len watches Lost DVD's and passes out.
11pm - I wake up. Len's still passed out. We've pretty much missed everything. Bars aren't open much longer. We can't go get booze from a liquor store. Restaurants are closed. It's about -183 outside. I wake Len up, who just snorts and demands iced tea. I spend all my change in the pop machine on iced tea and water. I settle in and watch Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan on the Space Channel. Leave me alone, dammit.


Friday, December 25th. Christmas Day.

12:30am - Star Trek III - The Search for Spock. Apparently it's a movie marathon. I'm hungover.
3am - Star Trek IV - The Voyage Home. I'm oddly attracted to Vulcan women by this point, cuz they're the only women I've seen in the last 8 hours. I have no food, no beer, and no hope for any. All I have is Kirk and Spock. Is this really my life? Merry Christmas, dipshit.
10am - Wake up to a hindu banging on the door yelling "Service! Service!" One "Fuck off with your service!" and he's gone. Len is gone too. Odd. Not odd enough to stay awake, however.
10:35am - The door opens. I yell "HELLO!" cuz I think the cleaning hindu has let himself in. It's Len. He looks at me like I'm retarded. He's probably right. He went for the hotel breakfast, and now hates Aussies. Every employee at the hotel is Aussie (except for the cleaning hindu). And guess who was there for breakfast with him? His Breakfast Buddies from the train! Seriously.
10:36am - I'm back asleep approximately 9 seconds after he finishes telling me all this.
12:45pm - Exploring time! We decide to walk through the town and see what's open.
12:46pm - We stroll by Len's breakfast buddies. It's getting a little weird.
12:50pm - A restaurant close to our hotel is open! They have a beer sign outside! We decide to stroll on and see what else is open.
1:25pm - We stroll by Len's breakfast buddies.
1:50pm - The Mac's is open. A Cantonese alcohol-less restaurant is open. A Korean alcohol-less restaurant is open. That's fucking it. No pubs, no other restaurants, no strip clubs, not even the Pizza Hut. This town is deader than Heath Ledger.
2:01pm - There's still the first restaurant, at least. We arrive, hungry and beer-thirsty. As we stroll in, we're told (by a fucking Aussie, of course) "Sorry mates, we close at 2. We were only open for lunch.". Choke on a dingo and die, pesudo-foreigner.
2:10pm - Another convenience store is open closer to our hotel. I get a Salami sandwich and some Ruffles. Len got some other sorta sandwich, chips, and beef jerky. Yes people, this was our Christmas dinner.
2:20pm - Back at the hotel, we ask what time the bar opens there. "5pm", we're told. Tears roll down my face. Len steers me out of the lobby so no one sees me openly weeping.
2:22pm - Back in my bed in my hotel room, eating my tasty dinner. Guess what's on? Star Trek: Insurrection!
3pm - Finally, FINALLY something else is on TV. The comedy channel is showing a Comedy Roast marathon. Len's never seen the Flavor Flav roast.
3pm-4:45pm - We laugh hysterically at blatant racism. My favourite line (courtesy Jeffrey Ross) "Ice-T is so old, the first thing he bought with his record deal money was his freedom!"
4:45pm - I call the Jasper Park Lodge, the fancy 1000 dollar a night lodge up on the ski mountain, to see if they have bars open. Yes, yes they do. At least we have a fallback plan.
5:01pm - Hotel bar. Sweet, sweet bottle of pilly. Len orders Jager bombs. Dingo fucker says they're outta energy drinks. Jager shots it is.
5:05pm - Another pilsner.
5:45pm - Len says "Hey...there's some fuckin animals eating some shit over there". I look out the window. 3 elk are across the street eating grass poking through the snow. This is all sorts of cool. Only one thing could be cooler.
5:46pm - Another pilsner.
6:30pm - We're sick of being the only people in the hotel bar. Time to go outside. I walk right up to the elk, probably 10 feet away. They act like your average female and completely ignore me. Whores.
6:32pm - We decide to go explore again, to see if anything has opened up in the last 4 hours.
7:15pm - Nothing has.
7:25pm - Stop at Mac's so Len can buy smokes. Call cab to go to Jasper Park Lodge and their booze.
7:30pm - It's a 15 minute drive, but only 15 bucks to get there. Good deal. As we approach our hotel, Len says, with his typical tact "Oh hey, watch out up here...there's some fuckin caribous or some shit on the road". That was awesome. As we continue, the driver explains that Jasper has been super busy at Christmas every other year, and usually everything is open. This is the first year he can remember it being so Ledger. Just our luck.
7:45pm - I give him 20, cuz I'm nice to white people. I mean, taxi drivers.
7:46pm - Jesus fuck. We walk into, basically, our version of CHRISTMAS HELL. The first thing we hear is kids singing Christmas carols. We see a choir, led by a guy playing the piano. A fucking choir! Are you kidding me? We walk around a bit, and stumble across people that wipe their asses with money (not the coins, that would be weird). This huge, cavernous room is full of couches and tables full of people happily enjoying their Christmas. Len gave me one of his all-time best "What the fuck have we gotten ourselves into??" looks. He looks so annoyed that I think he's actually scared he might hurt someone. I don't blame him, cuz I am too. Not even booze can make this go away, unless I break the bottle and jam the shards of glass in my eyes and ears. Curse you, Jasper!
7:49pm - We stumble around until we find the bar. A nice waitress asks for our orders. "Caesar", I reply. "Mountain sized?", she asks. "That's sounds delightful!" I DID NOT say. I just grunted and nodded, while trying to cover my ears.
8:01pm - Huge caesars arrive, with a big prawn on top. Sweet. Can't taste the booze, but that's hardly surprising.
8:35pm - We're looking around like welfare cases at The Boathouse. It's obvious we don't fit in, we're not welcome, and we probably can't afford the drinks here anyway. We just talk amongst ourselves and try not to actually look at anyone. It's not hard, actually...there wasn't one decent woman in this entire cavern.
9:15pm - Even louder, non-Christmas music begins. An actual parade of Lodge employees strolls though single-file, all holding different types of foods on trays. Turkey guy? Check. Chocolate volcano guy? Check. Attractive women? Nyet. Len and I look at each other, even more horrified than before.
9:30pm - We can't help but laugh at the predicament we're in. We traveled on a train for a whole day to avoid Christmas, and we've ended up stumbling into a fucking scene right out of a Christmas movie. And we didn't even leave. We were THAT desperate for booze. Going through the long list of degenerate shit I've done in the name of alcohol...putting up with that for 2 hours might actually top the list.
9:45pm - We ask for the check.
9:50pm - It arrives. 2 ceasars, 4 beers...58 dollars. Nigga what? The ceasars were 14 dollars. EACH. FOURTEEN DOLLARS. You know what? Fuck Christmas.
10:20pm - Back at the hotel bar. More sweet Pillys, more Jager, some food. Guess who's in the bar. Len's breakfast buddies. He's getting seriously creeped out.
11pm - Bar closes. I'm not done drinking. I'm allowed to take beers to my room. Sweet. I have to pay 4.50 a beer. Not so sweet. I pony up for 6, hand the dingo fucker the 27 bucks (!), and waddle back to the room.
11:05pm - Bob Saget roast. "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar. They say to the bartender "We'll have two Ass Hurts" and the bartender says "Well how do you make an Ass Hurt?" They reply "First, Bob Saget hands you a chocolate milk that he has just made. Then, you wake up three hours later lying on your stomach with your pajama pants pulled down around your ankles."


Saturday, December 26th. Boxing Day.

1am - Beer's gone. Sleepy time.
3:35am - Woke up from a nightmare. Stupid Dexter books.
10am - Awake yet again, start to get our shit together.
11:15am - Back at the restaurant that closed at 2 the day before. Ask for a beer. Dingo fucker doesn't know what kind of beer they sell. What the fuck?
11:45am - Get the fuck outta there and go find a real bar.
Noon - Find a real bar. The Whistle Stop Pub. Awesome layout.
1pm - Blissfully enjoying our last Pillys in Jasper.
1:30pm - Get to train station. Can't find train ticket to go home. Uh oh. Len laughs at me, and points out that he can't believe I lost it because I'm usually the responsible one. Apparently not this time!
1:35pm - I'm informed I have to buy a new ticket. 91 bucks. Guess I was pretty drunk when I got off the train originally, and forgot it. Oops. Len laughs at me again.
2pm - Score a group of 4 seats that face each other, so we can put our feet up when we sleep. Len's idea, and a great one at that.
2:25pm - Guy who made me buy new ticket runs up to me and tells me that he's really sorry, and my original ticket was in their safe the whole time. There's no time to get a refund there since the train leaves in 5 minutes, but I should be able to do it in Vancouver. Uh, okay.
2:30pm-5:30pm - I enjoy the insane scenery until it gets dark. Never seen anything like it. Extremely cool.
6pm - Find out that every bathroom on all the comfort-class cars are out of order. To use the bathroom, we have to walk back though all the cars, through the dining car, and use the bathroom in the first sleeper. All of us have to. This leads to lineups.
6:15pm - I barely hold on until it's my turn. I absolutely destroy said bathroom.
6:45pm - I get in line again.
6:55pm - I attempt to absolutely destroy bathroom again. As I get comfy, the train stops. The power stops. The fan stops. There is no noise. If I carry on my path of destruction, everyone waiting outside will hear this happen. I can't exactly hold it, so I very carefully destroy the bathroom. 3 emergency flushes, so not to offend all the turd burglars outside. Stupid train.
6:55pm-10pm - Variations of the above occur 3 more times. Len laughs at me every time. Great friend he is.
10pm - We arrive in Kamloops. I joke to Len that the train takes 9 hours from here, but a bus is only 4. If we got off now and jumped on a bus, we'd be home by 2am and could sleep in our own beds. If only I knew...


Saturday, December 27th. Fuck Whalley Day.

12:30am - We're still in Kamloops. Colour us unamused.
6:45am - Train stops just outside of Abbotsford.
9:45am - Train is still just outside of Abbotsford. Freight trains are stuck in front of us. As such, we are stuck as well. We are supposed to be arriving in Vancouver right now. We are highly annoyed, since our sleep was less than pleasant.
10:40am - We actually move!
12:10pm - Arrival is Surrey railyard. Train stops dead.
12:25pm - We are informed that the train "cannot navigate the yard", so they are sending buses to deliver us to the Via Rail station downtown. I'm 9km from home at this moment. The Via Rail station is 25km past my house.
1:15pm - The buses finally arrive, and...they load all the baggage onto the buses first.
1:30pm - They finally let us off. Len and I refuse to get on the bus. We're right beside the Patullo Bridge, in Lower Whalley. We decide to call a cab.
2pm - No cab arrives. Len's phone dies.
2:15pm - We decide we have no choice but to walk out to the skytrain.
3pm - We have walked 3.9km to the gas station on King George. We're soaked from all the wet snow. I want to use the phone to call someone, ANYONE, to come get us. I'm informed they don't have a phone at this station, and they won't call me a cab. Assholes. We're told to go to the skytrain station.
3:05pm - The entrance to the gas station is a LAKE. I'm actually informed later that the station was closed for a few hours because cars couldn't make it through this lake. Len and I have to navigate this thing to get to the skytrain. We try walking in the snow around it...and it turns out that was a part of the lake too. At the same time, we step into water than comes up close to my knees.
3:06pm - We're officially fucked. We're cold, soaked, and exhausted. We still have another kilometer or so to the station.
3:20pm - Arrive at the skytrain. No taxis are there. Len decides he isn't coming out for Lisa's birthday cuz he's soaked, and is gonna go home. He hands me the 50 cents change from buying his ticket, but I tell him to keep it "in case he needs to make a phone call".
3:22pm - Standing on the platform, I say to Len "After all this, watch now...the train will be not working".
3:23pm - "This is skytrain control...the train is not working."
3:30pm - A train arrives. I get on. Len is waiting on the platform to go the other way.
3:40pm - My train finally leaves. Len is still standing there.
3:50pm - There are no taxis at New West station. Nor are there any payphones.
3:55pm - Arrive at 22nd St. Skytrain station. Go to use phone. Realize I have no quarters. In fact, I have two toonies. The payphone doesn't take toonies. I have to buy a skytrain ticket for 1.75, to get a quarter. I call my dad. The call fails, and the phone eats my quarter.
3:57pm - I finally stop yelling "JESUS FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH THE FUCKING WORLD!" over and over.
3:58pm - I buy another skytrain ticket to get another quarter, to call my dad...who tells me he's snowed in and can't drive. I consider crying. Luckily, I'm too tired/wet/awesome to cry.
3:59pm - I look to my left. My saviour is there. The 101 bus home. No one sits around me. Wonder why.
4:20pm - I arrive home. I collapse in the doorway. My journey is complete.