A yurt is a mongolian tent thinger, with a roof. Circular, 16 ft around. Has a bunkbed and futon couch inside, wood floors, lights, electricity, and heat.
There, that's a yurt. Tim's new, improved blogs come with pictures! Contain your joy.
Anyways, there weren't a ton of choices for these lovely yurts, since a lot of them were already reserved. We settled on 1 night at Paradise Point, in southern WA, and 2 nights at...Cape Disappointment! I know, brutal name. It's on the southwestern tip of WA, a few miles from the Oregon border. Pardon the pun, but it most definitely did not disappoint.
Oh yea, we also recruited the other bitch for the trip, Jim. He needed a break from the rigors of watching concerts and getting drunk. Just kidding, little guy.
Day 1
Sane people leave for a trip when they get off work on friday, right? Nope, not us. Jess had school. On saturday. SATURDAY! And he can't miss a class, cuz his 450 lb teacher will end him. That, and he's a huge nerd who loooves to learn. So bitch went to school saturday till 11AM or so, then came and got me. We braved cambie construction to go get Jim...then back to Jess's...then get the rental car...in other words, we didn't cross the border till closer to 3:30pm. We got grilled at the border by a low-rent Dave Chappelle about our intentions in the states, then it was off to Jack In the Box. Where I think I saw Jana.
After that, we were off. Dipshits 1 and 2 decided stopping every 3rd exit was a good idea, so we didn't get to Paradise Point till about 9:45. We stopped at: 2 gas stations, WalMart, a closed liquor store, and another gas station. And went BACK to the last gas station after we got there. We gassed up exactly once. You do the math.
I did get a cool camo hat at a gas station for 5.99...and found the same hat 10 minutes after at walmart for 2 bucks. Bastards. Bitch squared got ponchos and various other retarded things at walmart. And I couldn't figure out how to use the automated checkout stand. And they made fun of me. Well played, assholes.
Jim was not amused that I forgot to change money before we crossed the border, so I had 200 canadian on me...and no one would take it. We traded 60 bucks (how cool is it to trade USD for CAD straight up?), and he whined for all 3 days about how he was short on american...even though he still had more than enough. Can you tell he's related to Jess?
By the way, let me make the joke for you, since you're probably thinking it....yes, 3 men went to a place called Paradise Point. Yes, that sounds slightly sexually challenged. Yes, I was even mounted by another man there. Wait, what? I'll get to that later. But for the record, this location choice was purely coincidental, and is not a reflection of the sexuality of me or Jess. Jim...still not so sure.
Paradise Point was not exactly Eden. It was about 32 feet off the interstate, actually. After cracking a beer, checking out the yurt, and making fun of the korean family in the next yurt (does it smerr rike flied puppy face to you? Are they BBQing?), Jess attempted to make a fire. Jim thwarted all such attempts. Jess got annoyed. Jim laughed. After 2 hours, an entire bottle of lighter fluid, and burning every piece of paper we had, Jess had finally made a fire. A shitty fire, but a fire nonetheless.
For some reason, Jess the Brilliant claimed the top bunk before we left, on my facebook wall. For the world to see. Why? I have no idea...who the fuck wants the top bunk? He tried to deny he staked this claim, but it's documented ON THE INTARWEB! Internet 1, Jess 0. Anyways, I got the futon. It had two wooden pegs holding it in position as a couch. Take pegs out, voila...a bed. One problem with this.
Attached to the pegs are big, hammer-like wooden ends. These things were big fucking mallets.
As soon as we figured that out, we beat the living shit out of each other with them, of course. Jess destroyed my knee. I clubbered Jim a couple times. Jim was not amused, so he climbed up onto the top bunk, and frogsplashed me from the top. Twice. Then proceeded to climb on top of me and "pink belly" me. This was as disturbing as it sounds, people. He sat on my back and slapped my gunt until it turned pink. I was powerless to stop him, because he had full mount. FULL MOUNT! If I had flattened out in an escape attempt, it was rear naked choke time, and I'm done like dinner. Don't mess with the rear naked.
Yup, rear naked and pink belly in the same paragraph. See why I'm still a little worried about him? I can just see the hamster in Ottawa Mike's head running like hell on his wheel, churning out 40 homo jokes a second. By the end of this, he should have more material than a pair of Rosie's pants.
Anyways, these 2 sissies were completely shitfaced off of 6 beers a piece. I had consumed 6 tallies, and 6 regulars...and was fine. Jim passed out first, cuz he was "soo drunk", and me n Jess bullshitted about hockey for hours till we finally passed out.
Part 2 will include - plenty of Jim-Jess disagreements, nature's wrath, raccoon hijinks, rednecks, malt liquor energy drinks, air hockey injuries, almost dying, and me winning the mother of all arguments. Stay tuned.
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