Conclusion - Sacramento/Yosemite

I'm a lot less sober than the last entry, so maybe I'll get some comments this time. Apparently writing sober doesn't equal feedback!

I'd like to start this blog with a thank you. It has absolutely nothing to do with my trip...but I had some people over tonight, to play some cards and such. Before they arrived, I had 14 beers in the fridge. By the time they left, I had consumed 14 beers. And...I now have a grand total of 20 drinks in my fridge. Coronas, Kokanees, frilly girl drinks, you name it. In case you cared...I love my friends! If this blog doesn't make sense...blame them, dammit.

Okay, back to the trip.

Bitch and I got up early, and took a cab to the airport. The SD airport is super close to the city, which is very nice. In case you misssed it, I love SD. We were on separate flights to Sacramento though. Jess wanted United air miles, so he booked a flight that connected in San Fran. I flew direct on Southwest. This meant my flight left a half hour later than his, and arrived 1.5 hours before his.

Or so we thought.

Upon airport arrival, he checks in, and has to deal with a security lineup longer than a needle exchange on Hastings. Me? I waddle down to Southwest, check in, and deal with approximately 4 people in the security lineup. Yes, I am a walking advertisement for Southwest. Anyways, I board, and enjoy a nice comfy, half full flight to the state capital.

Jess...not so much.

On the flight, I started talking to the girl next to me, who, SURPRISINGLY, talked back! She wasn't uber hot...but hey, neither am I, right?

Oddly, she had to wait for someone from another flight like I did, so after we landed we ended up hanging out in the baggage area for a while. Jess's flight was supposed to land at 10:28. At 10:26...I realized there's 2 terminals in the Sacramento airport.

And I was in the wrong one. Oops.

I ran (really, it happened) to the other terminal. Check the screens....his flight's on time. I'm 4 minutes late. Not so bad, he should show up soon. Or not.

15 minutes pass...30...45? The screen still says his flight is on time, but it doesn't say "arrived", like every other flight. very, very odd. I walk around the terminal, thinking I must be at the wrong place. No Jess. I did what any man would do in that situation.

I went to the f'n airport bar. God damn right.

After a beer or 2, I wandered back into the area he should be in. No Jess. Screen still says on time. I'm standing there, looking as thoughtless as normal...and some guy comes up and asks if "I'm Tim".

Last time I checked.....yup...that's me.

This guy was Jess's uncle, the guy that was supposed to pick us up from the airport, cuz we were stayin at his place. Apparently, Jess told him to look for "the biggest guy in the airport...he's wearing a stupid red jersey".

This is how I met Roger.

First thing he told me was that Jess's flight from SF to SAC was cancelled. I went to point out the screen of wisdom's contention that Jess's flight was "on time". When I got there...it said his flight was cancelled. Just like Roger said. DAMN. That motherfucking screen changed in 37 seconds, tops. Thus, I sounded retarded. Not the first time, don't worry.

Anyways, Roger talked to Jess, and there was a chance he might get on a flight leaving ASAP, so he suggested a beer at the bar. Well....duh. Fat kid...smartie....I was all over...piece it together yourselves.

After a couple there (that Roger paid for), Jess called Roger and told him that flight was killed too, so he was renting a car with some fellow stranded passengers, and would be there in 3 hours or so. Roger suggested we go for lunch "on the river", and we'd meet up with Jess when he got there. Sure, why not?

We went down to a place that was literally on the river, and had a great lunch...seriously awesome food, killer view, and Dos Equis Amber. Brilliant. And Roger paid for me again. Cuz I "was on vacation" or something. I want uncles like this!

Side note - this was the same river that 2 humpbacks ended about 100km up, accidentally. Right where we were. I didn't see no whales (no mirrors in the can), but it was pretty weird to find that shit out after I got home.

Anyways, bitch finally called and said he was close. We found him at a truck stop, servicing the driver for the ride. Okay, maybe not...but it made me laugh, dammit!

Roger took us to a grocery store, where I purchaaaayzed an 18 pack of miller lite for 10.99. That works out to like 61 cents a beer. I fucking love this place!! Bitch bought tequila and mix, Roger grabbed a case of Dos Equis Amber and the ass end of a cow, and we were off and running.

I'm not lying about the ass end of a cow....Roger BBQ'ed the thickest cut of meat I have ever seen. It was thicker than my gunt, no joke...but it was actual meat, very little fat. That shit was good, too!

Bitch and me were sittin inside after dinner. I was drinking my miller lites...Jess was drinking tequila on the rocks, cuz he's a homo like that. Anyways, after Jess takes a big sip of te-kill-ya, I did something dumb to make him laugh.

He manages to snort tequila into his sinuses...and it almost comes out his nose.

YES!

I don't think I've ever been that proud of myself...he had been teasing me all night...and quite effectively, I might add. Him snorting tequila was the ultimate comeback. He was FUCKED UP. Tears, whining, the whole deal. It was...redemption!

By the way, I'm not a big poodle fan...but Roger and his wife have the coolest poodle ever. It's sooo cute, and super smart. And it slept on the couch with me, so it was obviously cool. : )

I woke up the next day, and we went out for brunch. Normal, right? Well, we're sittin on the patio, and a whole wedding party shows up. On a friday. At noon. They all ate at the place, post-wedding. On friday. At noon. It was....well, fucking odd. 3 cheers for not being latino!

Around 2PM, we head south. Roger had just purchased a new GPS thinger, and it gave us directions to Yosemite. After a quick stop in Stockton for gas and a hat, we were on our way. Apparently the GPS has a hard-on for the long way...but eventually we showed up at our lodge outside of the actual park, where we had reserved a room. It's 5PM, the middle of nowhere....what do we do? Roger actually suggested the bar first...I'm almost jealous he's not my uncle.

The hotel bar has 6 people in it...us 3, the bartender, and an older couple. The older guy was talking about the 100 year anniversary of the rail link between yosemite and merced. Woo. Like we care. He says they interviewed him on the news, and he might be on TV tonight. Okay buddy. Not fucking 40 seconds after he says that, there he is on the damn TV. He was the star of the fucking story. Jess and I are staring at the Channel 5 news, at each other, then at buddy...then back at the TV. Fuck me, the guy next to me at the bar's on TV! In the middle of fucking nowhere!

After a good 4 hours, we've racked up a bill well over 100 bucks. And fucking Roger paid the bill! I was speechless....this man had no reason to be so nice to me, but he was. If you ever read this Roger, I am forever in your debt. Thank you.

Anyways, we all go back to the hotel room, but me n Jess weren't done yet. We went back to the hotel bar round 11:30, and played photo hunt till we closed the place. And I did a jager bomb, I think. Ugh.

Next morning, we headed off to Yosemite. Seriously, no blog will ever do this place justice. It is, quite simply, nature's paradise. Waterfalls beyond belief, mountains beyond that, and everything in between. Fuck, when we finally pulled into a parking spot near the visitors centre....Jess tried to take a pic of a woodpecker...and a coyote ran right up to us. Not scared in the least. He chilled for a bit, then wandered away. It was surreal.

Roger came up with the idea for a hike, which sounded good to me, surprisingly. He said we'd hike a couple of miles to a waterfall. Cool. It's a waterfall.

Fuckin stupid liars.

I'm figuring level ground, right? Do the math. Water. Falls. To the fucking ground, right? Oh no. We hiked uphill...to the falls. What the fuck? It falls!

Just in case you drifted through logic 101...

Why am I hiking UPHILL to something that FALLS?

Anyways....apparently it was called the "mist trail". I called it the "7th circle of hell trail". Jesus fuck, it was straight uphill. Oooh, look at the pretty squirrel. Do I fucking care? My fat heart is going to explode on the pretty fucking squirrel!

I didn't think I'd come close to covering it all...till I got passed by a guy that was at least 146. No joke, this guy was motoring...ya know, for an old guy. There was no way I was gonna let Bob Barker get up this shit before me. OH HELL NO. I passed that old bastard when he got gassed on a huge upswing...and it doesn't make me a bad person to admit that I was proud. Pwned!

There's a bridge that gives you a beautiful view of the falls. It's about 2/3 of the way up...I honestly never thought I'd make it that far, but I did. It was worth it...it actually was really beautiful, or some other emo word for nice. Jess and Roger encouraged me to continue to the top, which I was convinced I might actually have a shot at. I kept going, up the mist trail...I was doing pretty good, actually. Well, for me. Then I came across...400 stairs.

400!

I've been hiking up the side of mount killafatty for 2 hours now...and you want me to climb 400 stairs. W...T...F. Fuuuck you mountain!

That was the peak of my yosemite adventures...literally. On the way down, I managed to piss people off though. This wouldn't be one of my stories if everyone left happy.

Some older dude (in his 50's?) said "I'm gonna go all the way" in reference to, ya know, the top of the trail. He was in a group w/ a semi-attractive blond girl, and a few other people. Once I saw blondie, I said "Shiiiit, I'll go all the way with her". She didn't hear me, cuz she had already passed me. Her friend did though.

"What the fuck did you say?"

She wasn't too bad either. Yosemite's bringing out the bitches! Anyways, I respond with my typical creativity....


"I'd go all the way with you too. What! Where you going?"

Yes, I left the park female-less. Contain your surprise.

We went up to El Centro, to celebrate the 100 year anniversary of the train. The same train buddy was hoggin TV time about the night before. Jess took some pics of said train, then we hung out w/ the locals. When I went to purchaaayze beer, the woman couldn't believe I was from BC. Apparently BC people didn't come to small towns to see american idol failures and eat 50 cent hot dogs. Who woulda thunk it?

We were doubting the GPS's powers, so we decided to take a different way home. I named the GPS Suzie, since her voice was kinda hot. Hey, I tagged a Suzie once, she was hot, and she had a very monotone voice. Leave me the fuck alone.

Suzie tried to fuck with us the whole way..."take a...U-Turn...here".....we'd ignore her drunken bitter rambling....0.7 miles away..."take a U-Turn...here...please?"

Fuck that bitch. We found our way back to Sacramento just fine. She wanted to go to Reno. I know it.

Anyways, we made it back to Sacramento. We drank. Sushi dinner, which I wasn't prepared for. More drinks, then sleep. They woke up at 6AM and took me to the airport.

I doubt Roger will ever read this, but thank you sooo much. I can't believe you're related to Jess. : ) If I ever get the chance, I will return your favours in kind.

I'll describe Portland in another short blog tomorrow.