Trip! Well, pre-trip/Cabo. I write a lot.

I've been home for over a week now, so I think it's about time I wrote a blog or 3 about my Mexico/Cali trip with Jess. I'm not drunk, so it might not be that witty...but I have 3 beers and this vodka/energy drink thinger to help me along, so we'll see where we end up.

It all started a few months ago, when Jess told me he had a work conference to go to in Long Beach. It was about batteries. Yes I know, he's a nerd. Anyways, he had the week off before the conference, and suggested a trip in that general area. I agreed, of course, since I'm a travel addict, and beer is cheap in these parts of the world. We decided upon Cabo San Lucas and La Paz, in Mexico...and San Diego and Sacramento in California. Tickets were bought, hotels were booked, authorities were alerted, and we were on our way.

Our initial flight was outta Bellingham...at 5:45AM. I know, who came up with that brilliant idea? Me, unfortunately. Jeff and Melissa were nice enough to put us up for a night in Birch Bay, and Naomi was nice enough to drive us to the airport in the morning on her way to work.

I should point out that, after a strange night of drinking the night/day before, I arrived at Jeff's awake for 19 hours already. At that point.

Anyways, as soon as we got to Birch Bay, Jeff had to take his daughter Olivia to T-ball in Lynden. We tagged along. As soon we got to the field, with people all around, I dropped the obligatory "Jess, doesn't your parole state you're not allowed within 100 yards of parks with children in them?" YES! And we were off and running.

The rest of the night involved jack in the box, Olivia deciding I was a jungle gym, and me staying up all night due to energy drinks. 4AM rolls around, and we're ready to go to the airport. Tim has been up for 30 hours at this point.

I had the usual interesting convo with Naomi on the way to the airport. I told her beforehand Jess was big, hairy, and tattooed. When she found out he was "little, pudgy, and tattooed (my words, not hers), she almost seemed disappointed. Almost. And she told me she really really loves Canada, and everything about it? Right Naomi?

Anyways, we arrive at the smallest airport in the free world, check in, and go to our gate, after getting the full treatment from security..."randomly", of course. There were only 2 f'n gates. Hard to get lost. There's one plane on the tarmac...and it has a flat tire. Oh joy. So we line up, back out at the checkin counter, to find out if we're gonna make our connection in Seattle or not. Jess just kept pointing at me and saying "STUPID!", since, as we've already covered, the Bellingham thing was my idea. Everyone in line found this funny. Dammit. We come up with about 40 different scenarios that would be cool with us, if we missed our flight and ended up with a flight credit. Vegas? Check. South America? Check. Shanghai? Fuck, Jess had a free apartment there. Hey, leave us alone, it wasn't even 6AM yet.

So, after 80 minutes in line, we are told there is a 7:35 flight we're on. After getting "randomly" molested by security again, we get on the Pinto of planes...aka Worst. Plane. Ever. (copyright, Tucker Max, 2005). I was surprised I wasn't sitting next to chickens. Not a big fan of turboprops, thanks.

Get to Seattle, have an hour and a half or so to kill. Can you say bar? Ironically, bar # 1 on this trip was bar # 21 on my last trip...in other words, the final bar on my last trip. The Alaskan bar, in SeaTac airport. After 1 drink, Jess was shitfaced...commenting on every person that walks by, talking about molesting chihuahuas in mexico, that sorta thing.

Time awake - 35 hours.

Easy flight to cabo. I bought 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell', by the one and only Tucker Max, which made me laugh so hard I almost snorted orange juice out my nose. We arrive, find our arranged ride, and enter....what I thought was the wrong fucking part of mexico. Dirt roads? Shacks? Chickens? MEXICANS? I thought this was a resort town! Did we just land in Guadalajara or Bolivia or some shit?

After 30 minutes of driving (where Jess pointed out the dentist, cuz he speaks spanish....you know what dentist is in espanol? DENTISTA. Good work, dipshit), we cross over into resort central. The soccer fields are still dirt, but the hotels are lined with gold, bitches! Okay, maybe not, but it was better than stick huts and free range animals. And there was a Costco, Home Depot, and Saab/Hummer dealership. Go figure. Get to the resort, for our whole 1 night. Check in.

Time awake - 42 hours.

The beach is nice. Joyous. It's hot. Hit up bar # 2 (hotel bar)....5 dollar beers, and 11 dollar margaritas. One of each, and I'm poor. Off to the market in the resort, where beers are 1.70 a piece. Buy, consume, blah blah. Jess finds a beer that has tequila in it...this leads to hilarity. 11% alky content beers. Jess buys 2. We go back to the hotel room for a bit, and chill on the patio (which is directly above the entrance to the hotel). After one of these tequila beer thingers (and the 2 margaritas he had at the hotel bar), he is...well, drunk. He starts telling the world how he has a laptop worth 3 grand and a camera worth 1500 in our room, and he doesn't care if anyone steals it, cuz it's INSURED, BITCHES! And we plan a trip to Iceland, and the moon! Shut up, it was funny at the time.

Total time awake - 46 hours. Don't ask me how, I don't know.

We decide to go downtown and hit up some bars. Shawn told me that it's about a 20 minute walk, so we attempt this. After a few stray cats scared the shit outta Jess (don't lie bitch, you didn't see the other 2), and 20 minutes of walking...we're lost. I might be brilliant, but my sense of direction blows. Jess starts yelling "STUPID!" and pointing at me....again. But...one 6 dollar cabride later, and we're in party central. We end up in a bar (# 3) with internet terminals, and decide to have a beer and play on the net a bit. Shut it, we're both nerds, okay? The bar walls were littered with pics of the owner and various UFC fighters, and even him with Dana White. Very cool. After that, we end up at Cabo Wabo (bar # 4). The "world famous" Cabo Wabo, apparently.

For those who don't know (and I didn't), it's owned by Sammy Hagar, of Van Halen fame. It's really nice, huge, and plays rock music. We were there fairly early, so we got a pretty good table (this comes into play later) and got some beers. 4 bucks US, not so bad. After a few of these, and more tequila for Jess, we're both fairly liquored. Van Halen every 3rd song got a little trying, but oh well.

Then the fun started.

A woman at the next table starts talking to us...I'm not even sure about what. Somehow, the subject switched to religion quickly, and she was verrry Christian. Nuthin wrong with that...but she found it utterly unbelievable that Jess and I weren't. I cannot understate how shocked this woman was that we didn't believe what she believed. Once I told her what I did for a living (ya know, when I had a job), she was speechless. These people didn't exist where she was from.

Namely, Oklahoma.

After a couple more drinks, her OLD friend joined us at the table. Like Estelle Getty old. Google it, you'll get it. In the middle of all this intelligent convo, the waiter dude said someone wanted our table. That's nice. So what? Then he offered us 2 free beers for it. Well well well...Jess was in the can, and came back in the middle of this bargaining session. He yelled "3 BEERS!" at the waiter....and we got 3 beers for our table. And moved....to the next table, where these women were sitting.

Things went right downhill from there. We kept trying to come up with stuff that might offend this woman, and she became so offended, I think she started enjoying it in some fucked up way. Then old timer dragged Jess to the dance floor somehow, after telling him 56 times that "AC/DC IS ON!", and managing not to spit out her teeth. Then randomly, Gods child started making out with me, for some reason. Hey, I was drunk, she wasn't horrible looking, leave me alone. This carried on for...God only knows how long (GET IT!), and Jess came back to save me. Then I was stupid and started TALKING to her again. Oh so retarded.

How old was she? 40. Strike 1. Did she have kids? Yup, two. Strike 2. How old was she again? Still 40. Strike fucking 3!

While I'm asking all this, she's still trying to kiss me....I'm gettin more and more sober by the fucking question. So I did what any man would do in that situation.

Nope, I didn't take her back to her hotel. Nope, she didn't come back to mine. What did I do, you ask? I faked being sick, promised her I'd meet her there again the next day, and ran outta there like a little girl.

Hey, fuck you, she was a 40 year old mother of 2 from Oklahoma who wanted me to go to church with her! I'm not Shawn or Len! Cut me some slack here! It wouldn't be one of MY stories if I actually got laid, right? Plus...I had to save Jess from the senior citizen who forcibly tried to put her hands in his pockets (which he promptly removed Jamie! I swear!)

Total time awake - 51 hours.

And you think we're done, don't you? Come on now. Show some respect.

Back at the hotel, we decide to take our remaining beers to the beach and chill. No one else is there, so it's relaxing. Eventually, some dude from Cali comes down and sits down next to us. We give him a beer, chill, and talk about lotsa different shit. He wants to return our generous beer offer, so he runs back to his room and grabs a case of Tecate. That's shitty mexican beer, by the way. He comes back, and I open the only 2 bottles we have left...a pacifico...and tequila beer # 2 for Jess. Wow, he had started to sober up around then....and tequila beer # 2 plunged him right back into the drunken abyss. Between his tequila beer and the 6 tecates I practically shotgunned (ya know, since they were free n all)...yeah, we got fuuuuuucked up. And anyone who knows me and Jess knows what happens when we get really drunk...

We argue! About realllly intelligent issues! And totally butcher them!

Argument one was about global warming....he won, quite easily. Argument 2 was about ethical economics (or the lack thereof)...I sooo won that. We didn't have an argument 3...cuz those two took close to an hour and a half. EACH. The Cali dude had a fair amount to contribute, but he basically just laughed at us a lot. 5AM rolls around....we say our goodbyes (after I smuggled another Tecate out of his case while he wasn't looking), and went back to the room.

Yup...I went from making out with a cowgirl to arguing with a homo, in the course of an hour or so. Welcome to Mexico.

Time awake - 56 hours.

Hunger has set in...so we decide room service burgers are the most brilliant idea in the world right about then. They're 19 bucks each? SOOO WHAT. Before they come...Timmy falls asleep. And Jess takes a picture of Timmy,...sucking his thumb. Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful. Timmy wakes up, eats burger, and passes out again.

EDIT - Bitch, if I missed anything, mention it in a comment. And don't try to defend your nerdiness/drunkenness/fear of stray cats. We all know it's true.

That's the end of round 1. Don't worry, you'll get the rest soon. It will involve: prison cells doubling as hotel rooms, hot sauce antics, south central Cabo, autobus de wetback, applebees, the joys of Tijuana cabs, Jess destroying various fast food places, meerkats, and a whooole lot more. Stay tuned.