Random Redneck Vacation, V1.0

Okay...this whole story is gonna probably seem completely retarded. That is because...well, it IS completely retarded. I will do my best to explain the massive gaps in logic that inspired my tale....but I will probably do a shitty job.

You've been warned.

So, I've been offa work for a bit...no explanation necessary. Side effect of time off....Tim quits drinking. Yeah yeah, I know how that story ends too. I actually did quite well, for me. Lasted for a lil while. Then came the worst day a addict has to endure....that day of the year that you celebrate your birth. Everyone knows you gotta get fucked up on your birthday, right?

Well....I had a few. Not too many. Wasn't "Tucker Max drunk", or anything close. Got dropped off at home bout 12:30AM on the 30th...(yeah, I actually got loaded the day before my birthday...fuck you, it was the 30th somewhere). So I'm home, buzzin, wide awake (slept till 2:30PM that day...other side effect of no work).

So what do I decide to do, you ask?

Somehow, I come up with the "awesome" idea of going to visit Morgan. Or getting as close as possible, anyways.

Morgan lives on the Idaho/Wyoming border. 1536 km from my house. If you need some sort of comparison you might understand....San Francisco is 1510km from my house. Yeah.

I'm not made of money, so I quickly decide that the only way this is gonna happen is by bus. Bus leaves Coquitlam @ 6:40AM...arrives in Idaho Falls @ 10:45AM...THE NEXT DAY. 28 hours.

Somehow, this realization doesn't dissuade me. I still think I can do it.

Day 1 (actually just a continuation of the above...I didn't sleep)

I pack, get psyched, and take a cab to the bus station. Buy a "discovery pass"...which allows you 7 days of unlimited travel anywhere greyhound goes. Get on bus. Head towards Seattle.

This is about the time that the beers/ceasars/no sleep/energy drinks at the bus station all decide to kick in...at once. This is also known as....a hangover in a moving vehicle. The worst kind. And it's not ending anytime soon.

Wait in seattle for an hour, then transfer to the "long distance" bus to ID/MT. Surprisingly, not so bad. Acceptable legroom, no psychos, and a hot girl sitting across from me. Watching her constantly playing with her hair and talking on her cell phone entertains me for a few hours, till Moses Lake, WA. Then I realize....she's constantly playing with her hair and talking on her cell phone. Dammit....is this girl legal? Turns out...she turned 18 LAST WEEK. So legally, it's cool. Morally...fuck off, it's still cool. : )

She gets off in Moses Lake, and is replaced by a behemoth of a woman. Sorry for the old joke, but this woman was so huge, she could sell shade.

Guess this was karma kickin me in the gonads or something. I had pringles in my bag. She kept sniffing the air like a fucking customs drug dog. I swear I even heard her say "Sour Cream n Onion"...twice It was creepy.

Not much interesting happened for a while after that....saw the Seahawks practising in Cheney, WA. Called Morgan when I got to Spokane, who was still kinda wondering where I left my sanity. Saw a sign for "all you can eat fried chicken" on wednesdays only, in Coeur D'Alene, ID. Come to think of it, that's where the behemoth got off the bus. Go figure. Only 3 days to go tubby!

Next stop was St Regis, MT. Was chillin in the restaurant (there was a bar there, but greyhound has a zero booze policy, and the driver was chillin in front of the bar. Asshole.)...met some dude named Todd, from Hays, KS. He was taking the bus home, from Spokane. 36 hours. A 2 hour flight was the same price. He chose the bus for the "experience". WTF? Anyways, he was actually pretty damn funny. They have a "live trout display" in St Regis, in the gift shop. No fucking joke. It's like 6 different trout swimming around in a huge aquarium. I nearly pissed my pants laughing at how stupid it was. This guy Todd figures out the gift shop sells FISHING RODS...you can guess the rest. He was "removed from the premises", for trying to fish in the aquarium...with no hook...or sanity. I was removed too, for laughing, I guess. It was priceless. I wanted to buy him a drink for making me laugh so hard, but due to the "no booze allowed" greyhound garbage....I paid for his soup. Not quite as fun.

Next stop, Missoula, Montana. It's 10:40PM by now. I'm bagged from slumming it all day on the bus. I found out that if I wanted to continue on, I could have gone to Butte, MT, which is 2 hours past Missoula. And then I would have had a 6 hour layover. In the middle of the night. Then 6 more hours on the bus to Idaho Falls. Fuck that. Missoula, here I come. Get a room beside the bus station at the "Brownies Plus Motel". I can't make this shit up, folks. Go to the gas station for beer (GO USA!)...and it's closed. So I go beerless....just go back and pass the fuck out.

That was my birthday folks.

Day 1....complete.

Day 2....

Wake up. Go to the bus station (like 46 feet away)...woman tells me that the buses to Butte and Spokane are full that day, and probably the next day. So...I'm not leaving Missoula anytime soon. In any direction. It's all good though. I'll go explore Missoula. Surprisingly enough, it was actually pretty cool.

It's got bout 60,000 people, and a pretty big university, so there were plenty of women around. And bars. According to my guidebook, these people like to drink...a lot. I swear, I didn't read the Missoula entry in the guidebook till AFTER I stopped there for the night. It was like....destiny. For a guy who's supposed to be quittin drinking...wow...yeah, not the right city choice. But I was stuck there...so....when in Rome...

Actually, I was pretty good. I walked all over the place, checkin out what the city had to offer. It's actually pretty cool, like I said. Beautiful setting, surrounded by hills, a river runs through the middle of the city, etc. First thing I noticed is how NICE everyone is. Literally EVERY person I passed on the street said hello, or asked me how I was doing. I was shocked. I didn't know how to respond. They must have thought I was some fat retarded tourist...actually, they weren't too far off. 2nd thing I noticed is how liberal the city is....very artsy, lotsa hemp stores, etc. I was told that most college towns in the states are like this...but I've been to a few, and never experienced that kinda vibe. It was very laid back.

So after walking round for a few hours, I needed some food. So...I went to a bar. They didn't serve food. They did have 1.25 pints of Pabst...and...Kokanee! In Montana! It was awesome. There were exactly...2 people in the bar when I got there. The bartender chick, who was super cool, and some dude. A couple of other girls came in, and they all quizzed me bout being Canadian for a while. They asked me why I was there...I told them....they all laughed at me. But they thought it was cool, for some reason. Something about independence, and taking a lot of guts to go out on your own and do something like that. And they bought me drinks. And hung out with me for most of the day, and showed me around.

At this point, I was ready to call dad and tell him to send a UHaul to Missoula with my TV and Pollux...cuz I wasn't leaving.

Part 2 of my story will commence tomorrow...it will include the following:

Casinos, 79 year old women, whorehouses, how to get kicked off a greyhound bus, what to do when you end up stuck in a gift shop you were kicked out of 2 days before, being a giant in a small mans world, cool people I met from Philly, Detroit, Spokane, Bozeman, and lotsa other places....and people puking on the bus.

Stay tuned.